irony
A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 14. Jan 2007 01:59 PM
despite my last entry, despite all the suffering ive done, someone up there wanted me to suffer even bloody more last night, but maybe it was for the best.
last night i gathered all the energy i could to go out with my girlfriends as well as dave (a friend who has been extremely interested in me lately- though i dont feel any attraction towards him.) firstly my friend got rejected from a club because she didnt have her id so we had to leave dave and all his friends and troop somewhere else in the city. who should we run into but fucking filipe.
i cannot express those heartrending moments of seeing him. everything froze, my body went numb, my eyes widened. he was with a mate and he came over to us with a smirk on his face. none of my friends kissed him hello. he looked at me laughing and said "hi im frank. whats your name pretty?"... what an immature little barstard.
my friends linked arms with me and walked away but i could barely walk. how dare he, this guy that was my best friend, my soul mate at one point, simply turn around and snarl at me and laugh at this whole mess. does he know how much i suffered? how can he not be suffering? it was disgraceful.
i was shaking so much i had to go to the toilets and i locked myself in a cubicle and thats when it all came out. i sobbed and sobbed and sobbed for a good half hour and would not let my friends in. i had to get every tear out before i exploded. admittedly, it felt good afterwards, but during that time i have never cried so deeply with every inch of my soul. i was crying for everything, not just filipe. for everything in my life, for my mistakes, my insecurities, my arguments, the bad people in the life, the good people who i was so grateful for... simply everything. i vomited as well (must have been all the grief). for the past two years i have tried to bottle up so many emotions, afraid i will sink into a deep depression again but this time i needed to REALLY get it out.
afterwards my friends hugged me and told me things would eventually get better. i rang my sister and told her to pick me up (when in doubt, your family or someone close will always be there for you).
ironically i received a message from filipe saying that he still loved me and he just needed time away from me, fearing if he continued being with me he would hurt me more and do things he regretted.
you know what i did?
DELETE.
and me and my friends went and splurged on as much greasy food as we could while we waited for our lift. and for the first time i didnt think, "i have to be skinny for filipe" i didnt think "im eating because i hate myself." i thought, "well damn, im a human, i deserve this, ill do whatever the hell i please from now on. and no one will stop me. especially not an aggressive, insecure, asshole who will one day realise what he's lost."
it felt great. i wont miss him.