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grateful solace

A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 8. Jan 2007 02:12 PM

ive come to write in this almost everyday lately because it seems to be such a relieving refuge amongst the conflict of my own life.

last night i lay in bed awake for hours upon hours. this has been happening too often lately. i thought so much, but my thoughts were distorted and irrational. everything seemed so complicated; this reflects my current existence.

i tried to envision life without filipe, and being happy and independant and healthy. i tried so hard, i really did, because i used to this in the past as a tactic to get through difficult times. i would envision my future in the most positive light i could produce and then slowly i would embark on achieving those small positive goals until i was in a position where i was comfortable and happy. this has been almost impossible lately, because there is not enough motivation nor positive energy in me to resort to this.

stuck in a rut is a perfect description. i am stuck. at this point in time, there seems to be no solution where i can imagine myself happy. i am too weak to try something strong, in case the side effects harm me. too vulnerable for any further harm.

last night saw filipe. realised theres an overwhelming amount of sexual and physical attraction more so than anything else. a dependancy.

too insecure to meet up with dave. too insecure to meet new people. way too insecure.

bought a book called "you can heal your life"- good start i suppose.

need to find a job desperately, but don't have the motivation to try. don't want to go 2 university this year. don't want to start losing weight. want to just lie in bed for months and months and wake up and everything is okay again.

:(

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Comments from the community:

Hi cristina

You know how I feel about you and Filipe, so all I'll say on that today is please think about your safety and stay away from him.

On the sleep front - something that seems to work for me if I can't sleep is to lay on the lounge with the television on (not too loud) and watch boring stuff. Often the fact that you are not in bed trying to go to sleep allows you to just 'have a nap'.

Be kind to yourself

Jenny

Written by Deleted_User, 8. Jan 2007 11:08 PM

Cristina
For a while you have had self image issues...all young prople do by the way. Seems Filipe initially made you feel attractive and good about yourself. It's good you enjoy your sexuality, it's good too that you recognise the poor dynamic you are in with Filipe.
But...the time is up now for you to get ready for University, I know you have just finished school but Uni is a whole different experience, exciting, enervating, and the people you meet there you will never forget. There are greater sexual experiences along the way for you as well.
Please take care of these life issues, you can still see Filippe if you want, he is a short term thing though, you recognise that. You are vulnerable to his attentions, as are we all, but unfortunately he is not going to look after your best interests, you need to do that for youtself. Don't ditch Uni without giving it a go. It's the experience of a lifetime, whereas Filipe is probably just one of many men to come and go for you. Fantasising about a life with him is normal, but think of the life in reality that you would have with him....just terrible! And he ain't gonna be there anyway....he didn't accept you breaking things off because his ego won't accept that you can possibly leave him. It isn't because he loves you and is making you or your well being any sort of priority so that the relationship can endure...Sitting around waiting for phone calls which don't come and being unable to function because of it doesn't indicate a great love.
To be crude, he thinks that throwing you a bone every now and again will keep you there, and it's flattering to him that you are there, as well as you being convenient and adoring. Who wants that to walk away?
So can you please attend to the stuff you need to do, and keep the romantic fantasising and emotional gratification seeking down to only say, 1-2 hours a day?
Or Friday nights?
That way, you will have stuff in your life when this ends, which it will. Don't let his presence wreak devestation throughout your entire lifestyle. And for God's sake, practise birth control.
Regards.

Written by Deleted_User, 10. Jan 2007 07:50 AM

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