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insecurities resurface

A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 7. Jan 2007 04:29 PM

i feel like lately ive come to really hate myself, like i did all those years ago, and it's beginning to show on my exterior. i don't care much for my appearance anymore and have let my weight go, once again. i am unmotivated to change myself, my thoughts..everything. i just feel blank.

last night, went out with a close friend to a club. felt ugly and fat. filipe wasn't there..though we're on speaking terms now. surprisingly he isn't making much of an effort as he usually does when these kinds of situations occur..perhaps he's over it?? i don't give a fuck anymore.

some guy called me ugly last night, to my face. he was drunk and it really hurt me. i haven't been called that foul name in years. i truly am slipping back aren't i? i felt sickened and upset and convinced myself it was true. when i got home i laid in bed upset and telling myself over and over, that's why filipe doesn't truly love me because i'm not worthy enough. i ignored dave's calls, convincing myself that i wasn't good enough for him either.

i had so many dreams, in most of them i was happy and back to a point in my past where nothing could have affected me, or when things did, i changed them instantly. it was a beatitful feeling. when i woke up, i realised i was no longer in the past anymore and i buried my head under my covers despondently feeling like the world had just collapsed on top of me.

crucial time in my life..why do i feel so disgustingly insecure, unloved, unwanted, fat, ugly, pathetic, unworthy of anyone's love, dumb, lazy, a nuisance. i don't even have enough confidence to meet up with old friends. my life was skyrocketing for two years. now it's reached a horrible wall and i've slammed head first into it.

don't know how to get out. fear the worst.

i rang filipe up last night and told him i loved him and cared for him and he was special. he responded saying he loved me a little bit. what the hell?

then today i called him and he was too busy to speak. i'm a fool aren't i? i feel lost. if i let him go now i literally wil have nothing to live for. i'm a fucking mess.

feel so sick. simply cannot escape this horrible void. simply cannot.

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Comments from the community:

Dear Cristina

I haven't read enough of your history to know if you're on meds and getting professional help/counselling - but I hope you are, as you are bright and intelligent and you have the capability to get better.

I was diagnosed with D quite young, and at that time couldn't see any light at the end of the tunnel - and in those days there wasn't the same general awareness out there that there is now - and I really felt different and alienated from my age-group peers.

I remember my psych telling me that I wasn't alone in experiencing D, just that it often hit people at an older age - and telling me he believed I had the ability to get better. I think you are emotionally intelligent, and you will get better, but it must be hard in some ways being 'emotionally older and wiser' than others in your age group. Hopefully you find some solace on this website.

When I was around your age (I was 19) I was involved with a man who sounds a bit like Filipe and my therapist helped me move through that relationship. From what you've written his behaviour sounds as though it is 'passive-aggressive' - and this is such a terrible type of person to be with as they completely erode your self confidence - and you become emotionally dependent on them - never knowing whether they are going to receive you lovingly or push you away. My whole happiness and self-esteem used to depend on the way this person used to treat and respond to me - and because his behaviour was unpredictable, and hot and cold it became highly addictive - ie I'd always be hoping for the 'high' of him being nice to me, and was constantly anxious.

I don't know if I'm on the right track here - but I just want to say to you that you seem like a bright, intelligent and lovely person, and you are worth more than to be treated like this. If you are in a relationship with a passive-aggressive man it can be very difficult to get yourself out of it, because of the way that his behaviour creates emotional dependency in you through lowering your self esteem. I really recommend getting professional help on this one.

There's lots of people that believe in you, and I know deep down you know you've got what it takes. Sweetie, from everything you write I can tell you that you're not ugly - you're beautiful and wise.

Lots of love

Kimberly
xoxo

Written by Anonymous, 7. Jan 2007 05:18 PM

Hi cristina

I cannot tell you strongly enough to get away from this man, and stay away. The reason you feel so bad about yourself is because you have let him put you down to the point that you believe it.

For your physical saftey and mental health please get away from this man.

Be kind to yourself

Jenny

Written by Deleted_User, 7. Jan 2007 05:20 PM

I know exactly how you feel, I feel like that every single day of my life. we just have to take one moment at a time to get through our life, as for mine, its as miserable as it could get. Anyway just wanted you to know I smypathise with you, so that you dont feel alone with these thoughts, let me know if you wanna chat about it. hope you feel better soon.

IK

Written by invisiblekid, 7. Jan 2007 10:02 PM

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