continuum of fear
A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 5. Jan 2007 02:55 PM
ive been telling filipe that im in touch with dave and it has made things horrible, despite the fact that he knows im not attracted to dave and that we're simply friends- im allowed to have male friends, aren't i? last night we met up and instead of having a nice night by the beach filipe was cold, bitter, refused to let me touch him and made snide comments about my appearance all night, also managing to call a number of girls in front of me. why? because he has an insane jealousy problem. before i left him i went to kiss him goodbye and he shoved me away. that numb sensation overwhelmed me, once again, and i felt sick... once again. my energy had left me. i somehow managed to crawl inside my house, to my computer and write filipe an email, as simple and to the point as possible.. this is what i wrote.
--
tonight you treated me, once again, unacceptably. ive realised that you tend to try and hurt me because you've been hurt in the past. the difference between now and back then is that now, i realise i deserve better treatment and so it can't affect me anymore.
all ive ever given you is love, and to turn your back on that is your own personal choice. ive given you countless chances and allowed you back in my arms when you have treated me so digustingly. you've made empty promises which i have tried so hard to believe, but kno deep down they will never last.
you push me away, apart of you wanting to, the other part always assuming ill be back. i do love you, and you know that. i haven't cheated on you, i haven't felt strongly for anyone else. i could have loved you till my dying day and treated you so well but you made the choice not to allow me into your heart.
whatever you're feeling right now, numbness, bitterness, even if you don't care at all i want to let you know that i tried and tried. i was waiting for you all along, but you allowed your jealousy, your ego and your anger to overwhelm everything.
what could have been a beautiful relationship, has eventuated into merely a meaningless acquaintance. that connection that once existed has burnt out, and maybe its both our faults. but it doesnt matter whose fault it is, what matters is the circumstances at this moment in time.
i am tired. of everything. theres only so much love one girl can give, and when it's thrown back in your face over and over again, you just can't go on.
and i can't feel this way. you promised several weeks ago you would never reduce me to this level, but you did. in my heart, though, i know i can come out stronger from this. but will you ever be able to?
well, you've got exactly what you wanted now. a world without me. goodluck and i hope it brings you more happiness then i ever could.
goodbye.
--
i dont know. it sounded weak and insecure. so this morning i hurriedly went into his email and deleted it before he could read it.
im a a weak fool.
why i did i delete it? because of fear. i still fear being lonely. i fear so much. im not prepared to let him go. im so damn weak. today i spoke to dave, we were supposed to meet up but i didn't have the energy. he's really lovely, but i just dont feel anything towards him. he has been bugging me to leave filipe but something in me is preventing me from doing so. i havent spoken to fil since last night (although last night the most we spoke to each other was .. hi and bye..). maybe he's already pushed me out of his life? maybe he's already moved on and won't ever call me again. how much more can i take. it's my own fault, no one else's.
i wrote him another email saying, i would like to talk face to face, by ourselves when you're ready. but god i don't even know what the hell im going to say.
what a fool i am. a fearful, idiotic fool.
---
addition: he just called me acting like everything was fine. what the hell is wrong with him????? ive been lying in bed, too depressed to get up and yet.. god, maybe it'll be best if im not living anymore. maybe then people can't treat me bad. i'll be out of reach. finally.
i dont want to feel sorry for myself again like i used to. i just want to be happy..