choices
A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 15. Dec 2006 06:22 PM
the human mind is the most powerful and complex tool that the essence of humanity has to offer. often, i step back and realise that i have the ability to change my whole life through making the right choices and adopting the correct perspective and outlook.
dont get me wrong, i have not sunk back into my miserable pubescent stage. oh no. but i have been speaking to countless people lately, receiving random streams of advice but i guess what's more important is my own thoughts, my own knowledge and whats more better but to express it to a community of strangers, where i will not be judged nor critiqued.
you know, ive just finished school. i breezed through with a nonchalant attitude doing the minimum amount of work i could possibly get away with, and going out far too much. i received an excellent enter score, in the top 5% of my school without trying whatsoever and yet still i am not truly happy.
i met someone not too long ago, around about a time where i was extremely exhausted from an abundance of partying and socialising and needed a huge break and some kind of stability. i latched onto this guy instantly, although there were insecurities, knowing when things rush fast they tend to end before they truly begin. being stubborn and selfish, i ignored my own predictions and led myself into a web that has become hard to escape from.
you see, this guy, whilst amazing most of the time, revealed a severely ugly side to me once he became comfortable. this side tormented me, acted aggressively towards myself and my friends and just about ripped apart every inch of self confidence i have managed to develop over two years.
over a four week period i have been emotionally tossed around, shedding so many tears, wondering why he isnt honest to me, nor faithful. is it me? i wonder. mayb im just not worth it? but, how wrong i am.
many friends have helped me, convincing me that my good will has made him take me for granted and feel as though he can walk all over me. the mistake i have made is giving him too many chances which has set a precedent for his pathetic behaviour. no human being should have to put up with such treatment, particularly if their actions are pure.
so i sit here, only 2 hours after standing up to him and ending everything, and yet i am about to get ready- put on make up, wear beautiful clothes to impress him, im about to go out into the city tonight to meet up with him, once again succumbing and acting vulnerably and why? for a momentary feeling of satisfaction, because i love the way he makes me feel sexy and love being LOVED?? i am not loved. that is not true love. i am stronger than this. why am i doing it? what is it, in my mind, that refuses to be strong in times where my strength is most needed?
choices.
it all comes down to our choices and the way in which we want to approach things and CHANGE things for ourself.
i guess i just have to find the strength to make those correct choices, and when i do, it'll be hard but it will emancipate me from my own hell.
i was 15 when i first began writing on this, i am now 17. although i havent written for over year, it's incredible to acknowledge the progress i have made, but also the vulnerability that still remains after my ordeal ceased.
i have the power. everyone has the power. we just need to realise this, and decided whether or not to use it to escape. or we may just always be stuck in a hole that fails to provide us with any sliver of light that's out there waiting for us..
godbless you all