absolute happiness
A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 11. Oct 2005 03:32 AM
The year is drawing to a close; milestones and time spans packing up; expiring. I look back on the year and with each experience, with each sentimental memory, I know they will stay with me like leaves pressed in a book; the book of my life. They aren’t necessarily the most enchanted or spectacular of memories, but rather changes and adaptations in my life that have for the first time in my whole existence left me with a consistent feeling of happiness and slight fulfillment.
How can such a beautiful year, end so abruptly? I recall wishing last year would end so I could start fresh, so I could leave behind all my negative baggage and turn over a new page in a new book in a new life. I hated it so much; I didn’t belong with my friends. The group I was in were completely different to me. I remember questioning over and over ‘are these the girls I will finish school with, I will go to schoolies with, I will confide in?’ No way in hell. I dreaded waking up each day and arriving to a school where my every word and action was forced and so deeply modified that it wasn’t me. It purely was not me. I had no sense of individuality; I was merely conforming to what I deemed as ‘social popularity’; what would make everyone adore me. In the end it left me exhausted both emotionally and mentally.
I used to trudge along to stupid social events and places in which I didn’t want to be. I despised it with all my heart; the resentment is incomprehensible to think about. Wishing I could have another life, another chance elsewhere with different people. Why was I treated so badly? Why did I treat others so badly? Why couldn’t I get what I wanted? Why did other people get what they wanted and I didn’t? These questions…these unanswered petty questions!
And then it began to fall into place. Gradually, so gradually, but so obviously that I began to achieve self-confidence and faith that life would be different. A tumultuous rollercoaster I seemed to embark on, a positive rollercoaster, exhilarating and life-changing. And it’s not until now I realize that perhaps everything truly does happen for a reason. Perhaps I needed the dredges of last year to understand who my real friends were, what my interests are, where I do and do not belong… and the beautiful thing is that it has come true. I now know. I now belong. I am now completely happy.
I have a beautiful group of girls who are completely like me and who adore me. I have socially returned to my comfort zones; the natural popularity of being myself and receiving support and fondness from my friends who I never knew I would actually be friends with in these last two years of my life but who all make so much sense when I think of it. There have been sacrifices with other people, but for the better and not in a negative way.
I have a heightened sense of confidence which I’ve never possessed in all my life. This relates to situations involving guys, appearance, personality and self-happiness.
I have a best friend who is my rock; my life.
I have a social life which keeps me up and running at school.
I have so much, and I am so grateful.
Yes, there have been few negative events this year that have left me momentarily upset but not once have I slipped into that state of depression. Not once have I not been able to identify the main cause of my sadness and fix it in an instant, knowing that I have a future to pursue and I won’t get anywhere dwelling in my own misery. No one can fix it for me. I can fix it for me.
It's so amazing to contrast this year's few positive entries with last year's abundance of negativity. I know I said I would write for the last time several entries ago, but in a way I'm here for a different reason. Not because I am sad, but because I feel I have been enlightened. I am here because I have anti-depression; and it's a beautiful thing.
I am a human being, here to live my life, and that is exactly what I will do. I will live my life, forever in happiness, forever in confidence, forever in completion. Because I deserve to. I damn well deserve to and so do you all.
:)