returning in a newer light
A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 14. Jun 2005 02:36 PM
my name is cristina and i suffered a mild form of depression last year. at the time, i thought it was serious, but looking back i realise there were people far worse off than me, but even so i managed to recover and remerge with a different and wiser perspective of the world. so i'm writing for the last time, and hope my words will help others...
i remember my world simply collapsed in one go, it seemed. suddenly both my best friends priortised me last to their boyfriends (just like that... i was replaced. seems trivial but it caused me immense pain), i was having issues with family and as a result began faltering in my school work. not to mention i was overeating and becoming socially incapable. looking back i realise that yes, i did have it tough. here i was, a 15 yr old, in desperate need of closure yet i had none and i felt i was left alone to survive. and it took so much energy... i remember that. suddenly i had no friends, my family provided me with so much conflict, my teachers were always complaining about my work, i couldnt have a normal conversation with anyone without stuttering or feeling helpless, i began to put on a lot of weight, i had no self-esteem whatsoever and my weekends became bare and miserable. the only solace i had was the comfort of feeling sorry for myself and thinking selfishly of how many people would cry at my funeral and how terrible they'd all treated me.
there were so many tears, so many feelings of extreme sadness. i wanted to give up constantly, i didn't feel strong enough to battle my woes and i couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. in fact there was no light. my life was bleak, and i knew i would never escape it.
i was wrong.
i'm not exactly sure when it began to change but i do remember slowly releasing myself from the constraints of my depression.
it first began with self-acceptance. i began to accept who i was and what i looked like, realising that each individual is different in every way and people should respect me for who i am. if they didn't, then i wouldn't waste my time with them. of course everyone did accept me, but i'd created this heavy cloud of self-conciousness where i was convinced the world was out to get me and i was being punished for something or rather and no one would consider me worthy enough to speak to. i was angry at so many people for not being warm towards me or feeling sorry for me, but then i realised i wasn't warm to them nor would i feel sorry for them either. i realised i had to contribute to gain, and in doing so i gained a lot.
my next step was letting go. having begun to accept who i was more confidently, i stopped relying on my old best friend. she hadn't been there all year and she'd only provided me with absolute misery so why was i still chasing her and calling her every second? so i let her go. very slowly at first but then entirely. it was miserable not having her in my life, but i got used to it and i think that's what people need to learn how to do. to take chances and become accustomed to them, if they are for the better.
i also learnt to be nice to my family, and in return they were nice to me therefore the fights diminshed and i felt peaceful. i began excercising profusely and eating well on a daily basis and i lost at least 6 kilos in the process (not much, but it got me back on track).
most importantly i let go of the old me. i accepted that i would never be who i was in the past, but i could learn from those experiences and be someone brighter and better, but develop into this person naturally and without trying so hard. i think this was the biggest relief to me, for i've always been burdened with an expectation to act like someone i'm not.
after letting go to other various burdens i started to initiate. i knew if i sat around waiting for others to change my life, i would never get anywhere because no one but me had control over how i lived. so i rang up friends, strengthened friendships and started going out more and more, regaining a sense of social achievment through these experiences. i was flourishing, and i could feel it. i wondered why the hell i'd relied so much on other people in the past, when ultimately relying on myself satisfied me more. i began taking good care of my appearance, and spending money on myself rather than on others which made me happier. at work i was able to take control of things and not be so forgetful all the time. it seemed in all areas of my life, id prospered because i knew if i didnt do it then, i'd never do it. i was able to speak and associate with guys like never before, with confidence and self-satisfaction.
school arrived and i started a new and challenging year succesfully, receiving high grades and thinking logically in all my studies without depression affecting the way i worked. i replensihed an old friendship with a girl whom had left me for her boyfriend also. forgiveness took time, but i realised she was genuine and she'd changed and learnt the importance of friendship and hence broken up with her boyfriend. now me and that girl are best friends, and boy have we experienced a lot! we are little socialites, going out every single weekend, meeting so many new people. we're inseparable and share so many jokes and feelings with one another. in a way i knew we'd end up close in the end but i doubted it so much last year because i didnt consider myself good enough to have a friend like her, despite the pain she caused. i believe if people can see clearly through the fog (i liked to call depression my dark "fog") then they will understand particular circumstances, and work to improving them and what is best for them. but if people are in constant fear of moving on, then they will never know what lies on the other side. in my situation, it was sunshine.
thinking about it now, i realise i was just so oblivious to the crap my old best friend induced in my life. i was fearful, i didnt want to let go to the one thing that was actually tearing me apart. but i managed to, and i believe my bravery has led me to being the person i am today.
i'm not saying it's easy. god.. it took me a full year to get my life back on track after such a crazy rollercoaster. but i feel, if i had not gone through all that misery, then i wouldn't be who i am. i would not be in this situation. it's hard to explain, but i understand and that's what most important.
i want everyone to know that having depression makes things seem so unachievable. but please, everyone hold on as hard as you can and take little steps towards a bigger future. because in the end, its these little steps that count towards your full recovery, and each and everyone of you has the potential to be happy again. if i can, you all can.
god bless you all