back again
A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 31. Oct 2004 05:52 PM
well i'm here again. it almost feels like a clinic.. a hospital to me. not to say it's not my sanctuary in dark times- because it is, but i come here when i'm feeling exceptionally down and now is one of those times. the reminder is heatrending.
it feels like centuries ago when i last wrote in this... for a while there i thought i was going okay, not the best, but i barely cried or felt dismal for weeks. i was in neutral zone- i wasn't very comfortable, but i wasn't very out of place either. and now i feel like, while i don't feel numb or hurt, i'm still very sad and i have been all year. i've tried to summon reasons for my unhappiness and so far i've come up with the following:
elli- her finding a boyfriend and leaving me in my time of need so easily was just heartbreaking. she was my solid rock, but obviously that relationship crumbled. lost my connection with guys and my social life because of her leaving me.
stef- she too became obsessed with her boyfriend (two most important people in my life left me for guys). always feel like she's searching for a better offer beyond me.
sara- let me down a number of times this year; wouldn't expect that from her. does everything to suit her. i've devoted so much to her and i've received little. there's no sense of loyalty or respect in her direction as there is from mine.
school work- feel like i have descended greatly in my english skills. was so awesome at english last year, extremely intelligent too. this year i've become dumb and lazy as if i've lost my skills.
family- had the most tough time with parents, especially father. things are still rocky but not too bad now.
friends- have no idea who my true friends are now that i've received so many let downs from the ones i thought were.
social life- i used to be the life of the party... i'm not anymore
guys- completely lost my self esteem. feel as if guys will call me names at any second. scared to make a first move, scared to progress with anything other than talking though desperately longing for a boyfriend to send away troubles.
looks- feel so ugly and fat this year. last year felt in control and sassy
depression- i've been sad in past years, of course, but the sadness only lasted for short periods of time. this feels like its been with me forever.
overall lifestyle- hanging on a thread, desperate to survive. having trouble surviving.
every aspect in my life is flawed in some way and i can't say that i haven't tried almost all year to get myself out of this shit; i have. i'll give myself credit for that. what's the word when you just dont know what to do after you've tried doing everything? helplessness? despair? loss of faith? i feel all that and so much more.
i keep all my emotions bottled and during times of extreme distress i'll shake and cry silently, feeling it all erupt around me but it doesnt end. it stays with me. in my head i come up with solutions but i never act out on them. in the past i had motivation but i have nothign anymore. i'm numb. sometimes i wish i was someone different and i realise i can't be different- i can't change my personality. how would i? what do i do? i need some answers. around my friends i feel like i have to fight with all my might to keep them interested in me when last year it was the other way around. i feel particularly like this around elli. i think i've exceeded my useby date with everyone. there are few people i enjoy to be around which makes me a social invalid. the people i enjoy being around the most are the ones who treat me like crap.
it hurts so badly.
i just don't know when everything will end. or when it will begin.