ready to fly
A page in the diary "My Dairy"
Written by cristina 18. Jun 2008 02:03 AM
lets cut to the crap
i feel an insane sense of strength in me that overwhelms me every single day of my life. this strength is filled with prospects for the future and a developing sense of confidence and excitement which i'm not quite sure i know where it has come from.
in the past several months me and felipe have been best friends. ive stopped checking up on him, stopped taken his every word and move to heart, stopped letting my life revolve around him. how stupid was i?
the solution was there all along. and i found it and im in a place of peace with him. i love him very much. he confided in me that i was making him so deeply depressed with my constant accusations, abuse and tears towards him that he hated the world and that he began to resent me. after some time, i took responsibility for these things and apologised (funny how i never mentioned these ugly aspects of my personality in my entries, so consumed with my own emotions). he apologised too, in more ways than one, and has been loving and considerate ever since. yes we argue and yes he's not really boyfriend material but the most important thing is after two years we've both grown up and we're friends. it's ironic to say he's kind of been my rock this past month, encouraging me with my uni work, feeding my self-confidence and helping me with family issues. he's going overseas for two months and im happy and excited to have two glorious months to myself. im also happy for him. i hope he finds himself overseas- but doesn't forget me of course.
meanwhile, after coming to the conclusion felipe is not the be all and end all in my life- and after finally telling my friends (AND ALL YOU DEPNET READERS RIGHT HERE) that i have in fact cheated on filip - and this is the horrendous part- 10 times over two years (NO SEX, just casual hook ups!!) i decided to let my heart wander. while its terrible to not disclose to felipe these details, i feel like i dont need to. i thought about it- but after everything, i just want our friendship. i want to let everything that was in the past stay in the past- included his own misdoings. we were never meant to be with each other and if things are good now, im letting them be like this until we can both find our places in the world.
i met this guy about a month and a half ago who has been my physical holiday from everything. ive spent alot of time with him, usually at his house, and although his personality isnt necessarily the best ive been around, he's a breath of fresh air. amongst this ive been going out ALOT with my newly single friends and gaining more and more independance as the days go by. i just landed a new job, passed 3 out of 4 uni subjects, redecorated my room, have booked countless appointments for my health (dieticians and whatnot) and have started booking in consultations with plastic surgeons (i weigh 75 kgs and am hoping to lose 15 kgs and get a futher breast reduction as well as semiosis rhinoplasty- im not sure if thats what its called? which is an operation to clear my nasal passage and create a desirable shape for my nose). i know this sounds extremely superficial but i want to focus on my self confidence and that also means physical self confidence.
although ive been a little disconnected from the world, i am hoping to swing right back into things after this week finishes.
my desire to write down these things have been ever present and this is just the beginning.
i have now acknowledged that i have the capacity to achieve. whether it be big or small, i have the capability and i want to utilise these things for the rest of my life. i want to be happy but i have learnt happiness will never come from wallowing in one's own misery but rather moving forth and leaving the misery behind to start a new day. this doesn't mean your whole life has to change, it just means aspects need to change, and im proud to say very slowly this has been the case for me.
i want to inspire and be inspired and i think ive made the first step by admitting my flaws, my wrong doings and now accepting these things as a thing of the past and focusing on my future
i love myself, more than anything, and i am thankful felipe has been in my life for without him i would never have realised how strong the love and respect and care for myself really is. no one needs to love me- i need to love myself and this lesson has come with much heart ache and struggle, but im almost fully educated in this area.
as for my "lying" period, yes i admit, i began to lie about a "sickness" to felipe and my family to win their love. but it got to a point where i didnt know who i was anymore and so the lies stopped and hopefully will never begin again. when you get so far deep into your sadness, you forget who you are and beging to embody splinters of a new identity- one that does not match your own in any way. it takes this adversity to realise your own identity is what is more worthwhile than any other. this you need to love and work with and nurture until you reach your full potential.
i sound like a self help book don't i? but i think the logic has always been there, ive just been a little too young and narrow minded to realise.
while things are not great with the parents, in fact - horrible - i know as i get older this will weaken so i must perservere and remain strong.
this is not an ending entry, in fact i believe writing in here will help me to learn things about myself and recover from every hardship i have experienced. it's about expression and telling the truth and i want to strive to do these things over time until i am in a place where i belong, a place that i deserve to glorify in my happiness and achievement.
the other day i went for a long walk around 7am and i realised it's going to be a long road, filled with peaks and troughs, but if i can keep going, if i can keep telling myself it's going to be okay, if i can reward myself with self-love and encouragment, then i'll make it to the finishing point- to my desirable destination and i won't look back. ill just keep on moving with nothing but a smile on my face.
here i go