The letters I can never write
A page in the diary "A useless piece of carp- yes I meant to spell it that way"
Written by nothingnew 14. Sep 2008 01:19 AM
why does social interaction have to be so difficult?
Why cant my friends just enjoy the last 3 weeks of school time spent together without fighting and bitching and cattieness?
Sam,
You're my friend, so I'm going to say this as nicely as possible. Maybe the reason you have no friends anymore is because you're always yelling at people about everything. Maybe they dont like the fact that you're always whingeing and bitching about others... maybe they dont like the fact that you're only ever nice to me.
I know you have depression, but you're not making any effort whatsoever. I know you feel like crap, I know you feel like the worlds against you, and maybe it is but if you were just a little nicer to people, then maybe they'd think differently of you.
I know you're a good person deep down. You're the most loyal friend, and you care about everyone but right now you're not the person I know and like. I know you have depression.
I know you're finding year 12 hard, but so is everyone else. You aren't the only one having a difficult time.
I cant keep going around and making people feel better after you've yelled at them... I just cant...
I feel sad to say this, but maybe you moving to QLD is a good thing.. I dont know if us being friends is such a good idea anymore.
Please make an effort to just get along with everyone for 10 more days… its not really that hard…
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Tristyn,
Hi... I know you have issues. I can start by saying that. I know you're getting help, but can you please just cool your anger and ignore Sam? just for 2 more weeks? Please! it will make our lives so much better!
You dont have to retaliate every time she makes a comment. Shes just angry.. what good will yelling at her do? it will just make both of you feel worse
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Ashleigh,
Wtf!?!?!?! You irritate me.. I don’t even know why!
You are so self… centered! It irritates me, because that is the characteristic I’m trying not to be myself. Gah!
If you don’t make an effort, don’t expect us to! Okay!
MAKE.AN.EFFORT for gods sake!!!!!
I’m sorry, but I’ve never considered you to be one of my close friends… I just haven’t… we have personalities that are sooo different.. you get angry all the time, and anger scares me…
I dunno if chrissy or tim have anything to do with how much I don’t like you right now… but GAH.
I hate to be so mean, even if it is a letter you’re never going to see, but can you just go away for the next two weeks so we can get through our final time at school without you and your issues.
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McKenzie,
Well. This is great isn’t it? This is the way I wanted to be… NOT!
I wish I could just hit replay with you… go back to last year so that all this would have never happened. We were never as close as I would have liked, but I still considered you to be one of my closest friends… so much for all that now.
I’m not going to say that it didn’t hurt when you and Jess took Shyama’s “side” because I’d be lying… but whats worse is the fact that I miss you more than I miss Shyama. I don’t know why… because I knew her for longer… but I just want to be friends again… even the psychologist wants me to.
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Chrissy,
Where-o-where have you gone? I hate to say I told you this would happen, but I told you this would happen. No matter how many times I said it, you said we wouldn’t lose touch. I have experience with these things. Its like long distance relationships!
I also can say that I don’t really miss you. I held so much hostility towards you and I never said it because I knew that under that tough exterior, was somebody who really cared about the opinions of others.
I know I probably shouldn’t have hid it all from you, coz you were all about being open and saying what you feel, but I just couldn’t.
So many times I felt second best; like I didn’t matter to you, unless Ashleigh was otherwise occupied or you needed something from me. And then when Tristen came in, it was like, whoa, who were these people who you called friends, that you ignored every second of the day unless you wanted to talk about him?
Shyama, and Kiran both told me that they HATED you for the way you treated me. Part of the reason I had a fight with Shyama was because she hated the fact that no matter how pissed I was with you, I always managed to pass it off.
*sighs*, I guess this is goodbye. Thanks for the memories
Gouda, joyjoyjoyjoyjoy, 14 and a half package and a like totally
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Shyama,
Yes, we had a fight. GET OVER IT! Stop staring at me in roll call… its really weird… you’re the one that decided that we shouldn’t be friends anymore, so you have to face the decision you made. IN FRONT OF OUR WHOLE GROUP!
I’m over our friendship. I mean, yes, I miss the good times we had. But you aren’t the same Shyama that I was friends with for 5 years. You’re different.. I don’t miss you
I want to be able to say so much more to you, I mean surely a friendship that lasts for 5 years shouldn’t be that easy to get over… maybe its coz of the way you did it.
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Tim.
You. I don’t know… you are the most infuriating person in my life… why is that? I have no idea…
I want to be close to you… but you wont let me… when I get too close… you just push me away again.
I get it, your not a girl, ready to talk about how you feel all the time. But its not like im gonna talk to anyone else about you.
Wait? Is that it? I bet it is… that time you told me you were suicidal. I talked with you into the morning hours, with you yelling at me, telling me that I didn’t care about you, I was only talking to you because I couldn’t consciously let you kill yourself. Meanwhile, I was close to bawling my eyes out because I cared that much. Yes, I called Sam… I needed to.. I needed someone to talk me down.. it was a full on conversation I had with you, and I needed help. I told her… she deserved to know. She deserved to know why she had to do what she did. She didn’t take it any further than that though. But I bet that is it.
That conversation was nothing like the time you called me to tell me you couldn’t cope. You have no idea how happy you made me by doing that. I felt like we’d broken the barrier of awkwardness that seems to drift in and out of our friendship.
Coincidently, you dating Ashleigh has put a lot of hostility into our friendship. She has this smug look on her face like “I know all about Tim’s problems and he’s not going to tell you anything”. Then you go and tell me stuff you haven’t told her, and Im left feeling guilty.
Then, on top of that, in recent times, all you do when I talk to you is make fun of me. Its not the stuff you can pass of with a laugh either… I let you in too far and now you know what makes me tick.. I have never used anything you’ve told me to bully you. I can’t even be around you anymore. I’ve blocked you and have refused to talk to you for months now.
I know you’re a good guy, but you’re being a dickhead. When we were close, you had almost broken my phobia barrier that stops me from getting close to people. I told you stuff before I even told my close friends… I miss that… and I hate the fact that you hang out with and talk to all my friends and are friends with them… Im not even friends with them much anymore.
I don’t know why im so frustrated at you… I don’t know what its supposed to mean… just go back to the old Tim I met at October camp please…
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On a positive note, I REALLY REALLY like my psychologist. Hes so great! Im happier with him than I have been with a lot of others.