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A page in the diary "A useless piece of carp- yes I meant to spell it that way"
Written by nothingnew 18. Aug 2008 11:12 AM

hasn't started yet. Its not yet 9am.

I'm waiting to leave for school.

I don't really know the point of posting today except that I feel lonely, and my self-esteem (I REALLY HATE THAT WORD) is at its lowest in a while. I want to sink into the ground and disappear.

I went to my friends birthday party on Saturday night. It was her 18th, and most of the people there were 16 and under. I didnt really mind that, but me and one of my closest friends were the only ones from school that were there, and the rest were other friends from her church etc...

I knew most of them, but not well. There were these two kids, 4 year old twins, who me and 3 of the others at the party spent most of the time with. I enjoyed playing with the 4 year-olds waaaay more than being with the people my age.

Then the girl whose birthday party it was started to get angry with me and my friend from school because we didnt want to go to the park with everyone else. The thing was, one of her other friends couldn't go to the park because she'd broken her ankle a few months before and it still hurt. Me and my school friend didnt know her that well but we felt bad that she was going to have to stay at the house all by herself, so we stayed with her. That really irritated our friend for some reason.

So i spent the entire night hiding in the kitchen, away from everyone else... That rings a bell too. I did the same at my other friends 16th... and there were all people I was good friends with there... nobody I didn't know... and I spent the whole time with her 7 year old brother.

My other friends 17th this year... I had an awful time... just all my friends in one big group and I hated it...

I don't like big groups. They make me feel inadequate because everyone else there is so much better than I am. I play with the little kids because they make me feel better. They dont care about your shortcomings... they see you as you and accept you no matter what you do.

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Comments from the community:

NothingNew

Hope school was good for you today... parties are always a pain... i used to read books under a table at most of the parties i went to... you at least talk to children... but beware children can be cruel... they are not the loving little darlings they make out...

take care

rgds
cate

Written by cateblack, 18. Aug 2008 09:40 PM

Hey nothin'

I hate parties too. I hate groups of people, and I dislike having to be social! I tend not to play with the kids though.

There's no way that everyone at a party is better than you. Maybe some people are, but not EVERYONE at the entire party! You need to challenge that kind of thinking before it really gets a grip on you.

Cate has some sound advice about kids too - and it's for real. Kids can pick up on your insecurity and then hammer you, bigtime. Maybe next time try to find someone who doesn't make you feel threatened, and go talk with them. It's a good habit to start with someone who seems safe enough - and there's always at least one person who will be.

Courage, nothinnew. Courage!

Written by g463, 19. Aug 2008 12:00 AM

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