one big mess
A page in the diary "dewdrop"
Written by dewdrop 22. Jun 2008 11:40 PM
First time on depnet.
Lifes had a major change of direction for me.
I've just recently accepted that ive had a lot of stress for last 4 or so years. And after the last weeks events, i admit its not just stress, (gee this is actualy hard) I think, no i know i am depressed.
Always been a emotional person, always had moods of being depressed that i just fob off with a shrug when my hubby asks why i am sad.
Have taken anti dep a few times in my life but once i feel ok i stop.
so yep i admit it. Still cant fully say it (wierd). But i know my actions speak it loud and clear.
I am studying atm, noticed how stressed i am when i know my notes off by heart then 5 mins later i know nadda. Failed quite a few exams already. Am doing a external yet ive not touched it. I asked for help, stepping out admiting i cant handle everything. But got back a shit reply that i have plenty of time.
Times running out fast, i held out my hand and it got slapped away. I am meant to be handing in a assignment tomorrow for my external. Have i done it? nope. Did i ring up asking for extension? nope. why? no friggen idea.
Making a simple phonecall is too hard. I have my letter refferal to a psych thats taken me over a week to make that phonecall too.
All i want to do is curl up in a ball and stare into space the day away.
The only thing that gets me physicaly moving is that i have 2 toddlers, a part time and part time school. I can make myself do those things, attend classes but anything including my externals i just cant move to do those things.
All i want is a great big hug from my mum, i guess thats what got me past my sad moments all these years. Dont have mum no more. She died 2 years ago. Gone through many frustrated moments there and sad moments.
Lifes a friggen mess, and i am admitting i have depression and reaching out for help in order to gain some control over my life.
I feel like me inside a paper bag or something. Can hear the outside world, can feel the outside world but no strength to make a tear in the bag yet.