and I think my head is caving in
A page in the diary "Wednesday's Child"
Written by vivica 29. Jul 2008 11:43 PM
Overwhelmed. Nervous. Apprehensive. Scared. Angry.
I can't stand myself at the moment, I am resentful and disgusted by this person that I am. I wish I could leave myself alone.
Their faces and their tones always change if I let on.
"I'm not always like this or that, it's just that I'm..." I'm... I'm what? I'm what can I say that they won't recoil like I'm a danger, or some kind of black hole for positivity..."just a bit out of sorts lately."
Are you sure you'll be fine? Can you cope? Shall I offer you an excuse so that you can pretend?
All of a sudden now I'm this invalid when really nothing has changed between now and then. I am still capable, I am still myself.
"Hi. I'm one of Dr *'s patients..."
"Oh, I see Alison. Of course, Alison. What can we do for you today, Alison?"
['I know my own name, thank you. But you don't know that no one calls me by it']
I don't like the looks I get. I don't like that I'm seeking attention in all the wrong ways. I wish I could stop these things I am saying but I want to be seen in that way. I never want to be seen in just that way. It makes no sense, I have no sense of respect for myself, no sense of self-worth; I want to go to the lowest denominator, make me feel like I'm good for something.
And I hate you because I hate myself and I want to beat you to it because if I were you I would hate me.
Not that I feel I'm worth a strong feeling of any kind.
I've run out of words.