The most honest time of day
A page in the diary "Wednesday's Child"
Written by vivica 24. Jul 2008 06:07 AM
I've been awake since 3am. All I want is a good night's sleep. The spaniel is still sleeping soundly in my bed...
I have a bunch to do today; work, dr, family dinner. The boyfriend will be joining me at the dr's again, despite his night shifts. He said if I wanted him to be there it would be his first priority. I'm so lucky to have him.
I can hear my mother snoring. I wish I was still 6 years old and could climb into bed with my parents. I seem to remember that always fixed everything. When I was 12 I had an anxiety attack at 3am because my sister had just left for england and dad let me sleep in their bed next to him and listening to them sleeping made me so calm.
I've been receiving a lot of negativity about my medication lately. At first it was mostly from dad, but he's my dad and at least he acknowledged it was probably for the best. Lately a friend of mine told me she didn't think I should be on medication, I didn't need it or something, and today (well, yesterday) I was talking to someone I know who seemed to be under the impression that medication was a depressed person's way of "not dealing with their feelings". People are welcome to opinions. I know a lot of people take either of these views but I have opinions of my own. Firstly, they don't see me at my worst. They don't feel what I feel. They don't know that I frequently cry myself to sleep or have to talk myself down from harming myself. That I can't get out of bed. That the simplest tasks are overwhelming. Secondly, I wonder what these people would do in my situation. I am still dealing with my depression, as I have been for almost 7 years. The drugs don't change that. And they have never felt the desperation and hopelessness that lead me to feel I needed the medication. Honestly, what were my options? And I am glad I made the choice I did. Besides, I don't want to be miserable when I have any chance, no matter how small, of being happy.
My Costa Rica trip is almost all organised. I've got my passport and all my money together. I book my seat on the plane tomorrow, and have my travel insurance sorted by next week. It's really happening.
I'm having the best year of my life, everything is as perfect as it gets.
Oh god, I wish I could feel it.