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where am i?

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Written by hunni 12. May 2008 05:03 AM

while makin yet another trip to the hospital, and layin in the bed all i could do was lay there and cry not cos i was in pain but cos i want the old me back..
i want the old dee back the one who was always laughin not matter how bad things got, the one who was so healthy,the one who neva thought of hurtin herself, the one who was soo full of life, the one who was always so positive no matter wot had happened in her life..
BUT no there is just empty me now...
the one who is always cryin, the one who is sic,one who has bad thoughts, the one who has no life left in her at all, the one who is soooo negative...

Where is the old Dee?? i cnt handle this new dee anymore..

i try and i try and i try to pull myself together but somethin else comes along and pulls me back down its almost as if i take one step forward but then 2 steps back...
all i want to do is keep goin forward... i dnt want to try and go forward but get dragged back, cos im just goin round n round in circles gettin no where..
an example i made the step in tellin dad but then i took steps bak and had other problems come into it...

the more i pretend to be happy the harder it is for me, i have soooooooo many problems in my life that only the EX family know about cos i dont know how to say them or even if they really do mean anythin to me.. i duno my head is everywhere i feel like a lost child in the gr8 big world, no one around to show me the way or tell me im safe.. i feel as tho everythin is spinnin and i cant make it stop no matter how much i cry or scream.
too others this diary wont even make sense i dnt even think it makes sense to me, my feelings r everywhere and so is my mind almost like that add "my head went that way,n my legs went that way" i h8 feelings of the unknown wonderin how will i be tomorrow? who will be with me? arghhhhh make my head stop thinkin its just causin more pain...
Have u eva wanted soooo much help that its scared u?
its how i am.. my thoughts,my feelings i cnt explain them i dnt know how too.
sorry just had to get it all out b4 i exploded.
take care
dee xxx

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Comments from the community:

Hey Hun, by your entries it sounds like you have gone through a huge amount of stuff recently, both physically and emotionally. If you can try to give yourself some space. Find ways to comfort yourself as you would for a little child that needed reassuring. You are doing great, and a very stong person to do what you have done, (telling your father and revisiting past trauma). Give yourself a mini vacation and slather yourself in love. Surround yourself with those people that you trust the most. Take care Hun, thinking of you and wishing you support and love, from Riles.

Written by riles, 12. May 2008 04:47 PM

Hi hunni,

you've done some very difficult things in the last couple of days, so take some time out and just try and relax (I know, easier said than done).

But I'm very proud of you young lady for being so strong and courageous. Just remember... little steps. Just tackle one step at a time and let it settle and try not to look at the big picture, just the next little step in front of you.

Warm wishes,

Fly (Karen) xxx

Written by fly, 12. May 2008 06:41 PM

Hunni

We all want the old person we were back and there is nothing wrong with that. I want the old Mrs Studying1 back and hopefully that may happen with regards to closure with the court case/us winning.

You have had a bit of a hard weekend and I hope they have found the reason for the bleeding and the pain.

Be strong Hunni and you will come through this and the old Hunni hopefully will return in some respects as you get better!!!

Go Hunni!!!

Mrs Studying1

Written by studying1, 12. May 2008 06:48 PM

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