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A page in the diary "Moving On"
Written by maple 13. May 2008 05:00 PM
Few days away were awful. I felt terrible but the first few days had a grip on my behaviour but not my thoughts or feelings. I felt none of the enjoyment I normally would expect and I did blow out badly on alcohol one evening, which is not overly unusual but has made me feel very bad. For most of the time away I could not even talk, every thing I thought to say sounded stupid and I was physically uncoordinated so did not participate in as many adventures, in short I was a boring pain in the arse despite my best efforts and doubt I will ever go away again. I felt like some sort of clown. As for my half relationship..I think it is down to about 10%, if that.
Pre-op tomorrow, takes all day, I want to run and hide, I am not managing at all and have no idea how to get through this surgery. I will talk with the social worker tomorrow, I think the only way is to stay in as long as possible though I always spin out in Hospital. I am very confused about S, he is a confusing person often, and while he is still expressing love to me I can't feel it as genuine and I am unsure if that is my depression or real. He also never stops moving and makes a lot of noise which was driving me batty as I am not so fast now and he usually moderates noise for me as I never can take it but he didn't this time. This morning packing up I was nearly ready to start screaming about the radio blaring at 7am..the pace was too fast, he asked I was and I told him I felt really rushed, it makes no difference, the car engine is started before you even have your act together..in short, I hated it, and I feel guilty for that as well. This coming week will be hell, getting ready for Hospital will be enough, I can't manage anything else, he never understands these things though and though he is a great peron I don't even think I can talk with him anymore, at all, about anything. It's a bad feeling and I really hope it passes as peace and harmony would be good, but someone to lean on would be much better.
Addit...panicking as have now read paperwork. I have interviews with surgical intern, anaesthetist, registered nurse, physiotherapist, speech pathologist, occupational therapist,counselling prior to surgery plus interview to arrange discharge care, ECG, Blood tests, Xrays....God help me.