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Loneliness

A page in the diary "Moving On"
Written by maple 21. Jul 2008 01:01 PM

And Winter. It is making me dislike everything about myself, my home, my life. And so maintaining any of it is hard work, because I don't like any of it anymore. Even changes don't make a difference. Ending my relationship was necessary but at least it was keeping me connected to a slight degree. There was no integrity of feeling there though from the other person and so it was a hopeless enterprise. I didn't trust my perception because of depression there, I ended things on evidence not just emotion.
I don't see a person, the phone doesn't ring, and there is no-one I want to see anyway. Nor do I want to sit here in the dark and freezing cold going mad. If I go out all I want is people to get out of my way and to get in out of the cold. But when I am home I am eternally directionless.
I look in the mirror probably 50 times a day as it's in the hallway, and I look terrible.
The basics have got me through before, and I am doing them, minimally, but it is 10am and I am already over the day. No day matters, no day counts in any way, it's just terrible. I don't drink at all anymore, one would think that would be an improvement but it just seems to make the days longer is about all.
I shower and dress and tidy up every day, but I don't know why except the one day I don't the Jehovas Witnesses will knock on the door. Or someone looking for directions, you all know how it goes. And then I will hate myself further.
I am afraid because I have experienced this isolation too many times now and for too long, how long this time?
It was 3 full months including Xmas and New year last time. All I had the last 2 months after surgery was 1 hour every 2 days or so with the half bf. It was better than nothing but nowhere near enough to keep going with that.
It is 9 weeks since my surgery tomorrow, I have dilligently looked after things, and myself, it does take longer I know to recover plus I am in instant menopause and so overnight became a completely different person. One I don't even recognise who feels nothing but despair.
My nights have become bad again, waking and dreams and disturbance and so there is no relief to be had anywhere and I am becoming afraid of going to bed. I have tried to think of a nice place to go sit at least but there isn't anywhere I want to be.
It's pathetic I know, but my life seems pathetic. I simply can't tolerate this weather.

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Comments from the community:

Is it possible for u to get away for a week or so?
Id love u to come down here but the weather's crap... how about Liz?
She's north & I reckon its time u 2 met, wouldnt u say?
I think bout u every day darls, u mean the world to me.
Take care hun
Mmmwa
xxx

Written by Gyps, 21. Jul 2008 01:20 PM

Hey hun,

I can relate to feeling lonely.

I think gyps is right. Maybe stay at gyps or keller's place. I know you may not feel like wanting to go out but i reckon to keep your sanity, you might need to.

Also, maybe try putting on some make up. Making some nice food for yourself, if thats possible. Thats what I am doing to get through this dark days. Maybe do some walking around the house. Watch some comedy movies - if thats your kind of thing.

Or just pick up the phone and talk to someone. I am here for you, always.

Take care hun

Love
WD

Written by WhiteDove, 21. Jul 2008 03:24 PM

Hi Maple,

It's cold everywhere. I live in the eastern suburbs of Melbourne and it's freezing at the moment. Have you thought about do a course at a community house or some voluntary work. I do some voluntary work and love it. I only do 3 hours per fortnight but I have heaps of things to keep me occupied. It was a stuggle at the start to get motivated but I find now the more I do the better I feel.
Take Care
Janene

Written by Janene, 21. Jul 2008 05:04 PM

Wish I knew how to help, but I don't, so I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and hope things improve.

Written by babz, 21. Jul 2008 06:51 PM

Sweety my heart goes out to you, Im really feeling your sadness through this diary entry. I wish you just lived up the road cos I would love to give you some company that you are desperately seeking.

Please take special care of yourself and maybe its a good idea that you put the mirror in the hallway away for a little while just until your spirits lift.

Love, care and support always
Amanda xxxx

Written by Deleted_User, 21. Jul 2008 07:20 PM

Hi Jo,

Sorry to read of your loneliness and solitude, I simply couldn't handle it at all and I feel for you.

Is there any particular reason you live in the area you live in? I'm just thinking that maybe you could move to a more populated area where getting out and about, joining groups and/or working is more of a reality.

Written by fly, 21. Jul 2008 10:49 PM

HI Maple,
Thanks for your reply to my diary entry. I am surprised by it. My apologies for making you feel bad, or feel rejected. That certainly wasn't my intention, and I don't remember not replying to any message you sent me afterwards. If that happened then I'm sorry as that wasn't my intention to ignore you. My memory of that meeting is not as clear as yours, however I do remember sitting outside in that smoker's bar while construction was going on and feeling very low in spirits. I wasn't looking at it in terms of a date or anything like that, just meeting someone from depnet for a chat.
I guess you can say I live with my parents, if that means living in a granny flat some distance from their house. But it is a farm, and they are in their 70s and if my prescence can keep them out of a nursing home then I think that's a good thing.

Written by Deleted_User, 22. Jul 2008 01:56 AM

Meet me again. You may not want to but you are close by. Loneliness is an almost constant companion of mine too, however it sounds like you are doing it tough. It is never my intention to ignore or hurt anyone. Don't forget that I don't have it together either and am struggling too. If I make mistakes it's probably due to my state of mind. The ball's in your court :-}.

Written by Deleted_User, 22. Jul 2008 02:09 AM

I thought this would help =)

"Our worst fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God; your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some of us, it is in everyone, and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people premission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
Nelson Mandela

Written by cristina, 23. Jul 2008 12:58 AM

Hi Maple, Thanks for your most recent message. I know I have sometimes bitten people's heads off when I was in a depressed, irritable state, regretted it enormously afterwards and apologised profusely. There are one or two instances where I still kick myself about my behaviour 5 or 6 years ago and will probably never resolve it in my mind but, thankfully, it's usually far into the background of my thoughts.
BTW, the offer still stands. I could use a chat buddy.
Willow

Written by Deleted_User, 23. Jul 2008 01:43 PM

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