If it's so real, then why aren't I blue?
A page in the diary "surprise surprise"
Written by g463 7. Apr 2008 08:36 PM
What gets me about depression is that it sometimes doesn't seem real. Yeah, I'm on 200mg Zoloft and without it I'm no good at all (so obviously it is real) but most days the symptoms of depression for me were never the 'blue day' or 'down in the dumps' kind of thing.
I had anxiety after some life saving emergency surgery. It caused me some memory problems and so on, but it was okay. Then in the course of my work one day, a young man with psychosis threatened to kill me. In fact, he locked me in a room, stabbed the door, tried to jemmy open the window, and just as the Police arrived, attempted to kill me with a garden fork (of all things).
This was all pretty traumatic - no word of a lie. I knew I didn't cope that well with either event, but I never had a blue day over them.
I've struggled to stay in touch with feelings. I internalise, suppress...none of which is good for me.
I don't feel blue all that often. It's just sometimes I consider that one day I will possibly choose to end my life. I have no intention of doing that right now, nor in the near future, but when I've used up my usefulness, and when I've done my very best to work through and process my anxiety/depression and issues...if after I've given it everything its still not resolved, why would I want to live? Who wants to continue waiting for the elusive cure to life's painful stuff?
Now...just saying that is enough to make my psychologist freak out, my GP go all weird on me and probably get me a one-way ticket to the psych unit, but it seems quite rational and sensible to me.
Depression for me doesn't look like negative, blue or flat. It sometimes looks like a major bad hair day (bad mood) or a low energy day or whatever...but I'm never sad, and rarely teary and seldom only see the bleak side of things.
And most of the time I can pick myself up, consciously make some life-affirming choices and just get on with my day regardless. Doesn't mean I feel fabulous, just that my choices are what enables me.
Because I can do that - and I know some people really struggle with it, sometimes it seems like the depression diagnosis just isn't real.
Anyway, that's my 2c worth for today.
:)§<>
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