Just back from a holiday...and need some encouragement
A page in the diary "surprise surprise"
Written by g463 27. Sep 2008 01:49 PM
I've been away for a few weeks. Needed a break from the people I work with (disadvantaged and at-risk teenagers mostly), and a break from the community support workers that I manage that look after them. I was bad-tempered, short on energy and really struggling in my work environment.
Time for a holiday...
So I went bush. Saw incredible natural things. Visited many bush art galleries. Bushwalked. Ate Quandongs and tried an Emu burger! Love the incredible display of stars when there are no lights and big city! Had a great time.
My partner left about four years ago to travel around the country. Our relationship was unhealthy in many respects, and it's been a positive thing that she's been gone. I still live in 'her' house, and pay her rent for the privilege. I don't know why I do that. Considering the laws around domestic partnerships and so on, and that half of the stuff in the house is mine...but actually, it was her money that bought the house, so when it all comes down I guess its still her house. Maybe it's just been easier to pay her money and not have to move. I have a real fear of moving.
We moved in together when I was about 24 - I'm now 38. Our relationship has always been difficult. Not having a pity party here, but I was on the receiving end of domestic violence, verbal and physical abuse - all the usual stuff. Of course I retaliated verbally, usually just name-calling. I don't recall having ever acted violently other than once throwing my wallet at her!
Anyway, knowing that she plans to sell the house, and that i have to move, I thought I'd catch up with her while I was away. There was nothing intimate about it - that stuff is long gone, but we remain friends. We also retain old habits - name calling, criticism...ugly stuff. Mostly our time together was okay though. Despite all of the crap, we do still care about each other. There is no potential or value in rekindling the intimate relationship - neither of us want to. There IS such a thing as lesbian bed death! It happens when you're just more comfortable being friends.
Actually, I prefer it that way. I just want a few close friends!
But as I left her yesterday - and came the 1200km home, I found I was teary. Random, sobby stuff.
I realised that I'm returning to nothing. I found that I didn't want to return at all. I just wanted to go away somewhere different entirely; to start over.
I don't want to go back to my job. I love my job, it pays okay, but for a while I decided I didn't care about any of the people...even though when I'm there I do.
I have some self-inflicted health problems. To be real, I'm obese. I'm 125kg, yet only 5'3. Fortunately I'm relatively proportional - just fat all over, and actually, I'm surprisingly fit...but...a recent BGL showed that I'm about to tip over the edge into Diabetic status. I don't want to have to manage a chronic health condition - but I suppose if I have to, I can. If there was a 'get out' clause where I could reverse any of it, I'd be SO there right now. I've been working on my weight and fitness, but it's a long road...
I have nobody to come 'home' to. I've lived here for 20 years, and I have only a couple of friends. Loads of people know me, but of those I have only a few friends. I have no family within a 5 hour drive of here. In having to move house, you know, I don't know anyone I'd ask to help me move a thing - I'll be paying a removalist and/or doing everything myself.
I'm 38 years old, with two significant relationships behind me - and two 'our house' homes which were never mine. I own nothing of any value - not even my own car. I have only enough money to pay a bond and a months rent in advance - and yet I am so much better off than so many others are. I do have a good enough income. Money's nothing to cry over.
It just all struck me as sad.
Yeah, I'm grieving the physical end of my relationship with her - not in terms of 'her' but just in leaving 'our' place - my security.
She left four years ago to pursue her dream - to travel around Australia on a permanent working holiday. I'm glad she's doing that.
I'm also seeing the bright side of all of this - leaving 'our' house and my security blanket behind provides a great opportunity for me to grow.
But do I stay in this city? My job is becoming tired. I have no family here. I have few friends. I don't hate it here - it has everything you could want laid-on, in a clean healthy city! I just crave solitude, isolation and...
Yeh, I'd considered that I'd rather be dead than have to face what's ahead of me.
Still teary today. Going to go back on my Zoloft. I've been off it for about 4 months now. I was not depressed before I went away, and I doubt I'm truly depressed now, but I do have a lot of stressors on the horizon and I sense I'm going to need the mood-stabilisation effect. I also realise that when I go back onto it, it isn't a short-term prospect. Will go and see the doctor, of course.
I'll get through all of this. It's probably a really healthy turning-point...but it feels so overwhelming. I have a few months to plan where I'm going to go. She's coming home to fix the house to get it ready to sell, then you know, it all takes time. Maybe I have 3 or so months.
Just need to snap out of being scared and lonely and make some positive life-affirming choices.
Anyway, I did have a great holiday. Not everyone's cuppa I'm sure, but I quite like the bush and the outback.
Comments, suggestions and encouragement very welcome...