Moving on
A page in the diary "surprise surprise"
Written by g463 14. Jul 2008 12:03 AM
I was really triggered by a story I read in the newspaper over the weekend. It was to do with abuse, and as I read it, I thought to myself "god, you were lucky" about what happened to me compared to the newspaper story. Then I realised that I was in NO WAY lucky.
During the night I woke up with a stark recollection of something I'd wondered about, but long forgotten about my own situation. My subconscious archaeologist had carefully dug up stuff - I just wasn't sure I could cope with it.
I got up at 3am and wrote two letters. Both were to the people that hurt me. I have no idea where one of them is now, so it'll never be sent. The other I would never send because it would devastate the recipient.
Mostly though, it was cathartic for me. I sat here and cried as I told those stories - for the first time ever. It felt pretty frightening, but once I'd done that, I had a huge sense of relief.
I admitted to myself that my dream of suicide bringing blessed relief was not the reality. I admitted to myself that I have hated living in my own skin because it was poisoned, and that I've done nothing but further poison it ever since to punish myself for things that were never my fault.
Finally I was able to cast some of them off by crying through them, and admitting my complicity in my own self destruction.
Maybe now I can get back to moving on.
G