Saturday's stuff
A page in the diary "surprise surprise"
Written by g463 21. Jun 2008 04:27 PM
I'm well aware that I'm in a somewhat difficult place at the moment. I've stopped my meds, had a few bad days, made some great progress with my psych and while I'm not feeling blue per se, I am feeling hubby-jubby. Hubby-jubby is a Bengali word for mixed up; onomatopoeic, if you like.
Perhaps its that I feel overwhelmed by emotions I can't name. Maybe its that I feel I've temporarily lost a few 'security blanket' items of late. There's also some pressure to commit to things that I'm unsure of, as well as a many questions that I suppose have to remain unanswered.
The Zung tells me I'm not depressed. Actually a self-administerd DASS tells me that as well.
In an effort to have some accountability, I called my psych yesterday (as I'd agreed I would if I was not in a good space) and we talked through plans for what I might do this weekend. Her rationale seems to be that if I'm busy doing constructive things - which may include self-nurturing things, then I'll arrive on her doorstep intact at 9am Monday for my appointment.
I agreed to the plan, however it was always my intention to have a plan before I called her. I've been in this biz long enough to know what kinds of basic strategies are required to keep someone safe.
There's no doubt I'm grateful that I'm well-resourced in many aspects of life. It sometimes feels wonderful to stand on the precipice of life, grateful that I don't want to jump off, but wanting nevertheless to embark upon a brave and incredible adventure.
I have a major life goal ahead for when I turn 40, but it does trouble me that there's nothing in my sights beyond then. I'm sure life will go on, but I'm also awareof the devastating impact of having spent life alone once one has reached old age.
Still, I must motivate myself and almost project manage myself now so that I can achieve my 40th goal within the next 18 months or so. I need to work relentlessly, learn to love myself recklessly, and draw upon my inner strength bravely.