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A page in the diary "surprise surprise"
Written by g463 15. Jun 2008 11:26 PM

I'm doing okay. Making reasonable choices. Not wanting to, but making them anyway.

Went to Borders today. Thought that it would constitute my big outing for the weekend. Sat and read books, bought a couple, and looked around wondering if anyone else had nobody to be with every weekend, and feeling surprised that in a big city its so easy to be alone. I've lived here for 20 years, and have struggled to find friends. Every weekend, nothing to do, nowhere to go, and nobody ever calls me. Don't want to start a pity party, but you know, I've tried to meet people before. Joined groups, organisations, struck up random conversations. These things last a while, and then begin to fade.

Resisting the urge to SH - not that I ever do in the usual way - my MO is different to most.

Resisting the urge to indulge in drugs that make it go away. Wondering what 'it' actually is. Feel like the over-indulged spoilt kid having a tantrum. Not having a tantrum though, and whatever 'it' is, it's real enough to me.

Funny how the SH thing is about the need to inflict pain upon myself - moreso than purely feeling anything. Got a bit smug about my ability to internalise my stuff rather than take it out on everyone else, then realised that it's nothing to be proud of.

I don't understand PTSD. I can see how other people respond to things, but can't make the connections somehow to respond in 'normal' ways myself. I do have flashbacks and vivid dreams, and with them come symptoms that feel out of control. I do what I'm told, and breathe...relax...take a reality check... Works in the moment, but what about long term?

Another week ahead of putting on my work hat. It is a flame-out (thanks to whomever helped me put it in perspective by sharing that idea with me) but being that work hat, is more me than I am. She's more alive, more human, more humane, more empathic, more concerned, more social, more centered, more real.

The weekend hat I wear is much the same as the weeknight hat - often reaching out, but rarely finding it a reciprocal experience. I tell myself I'm 'peopled out' just to excuse myself from feeling alone.

Maybe this is all there is, in a way. It could be worse.

:)

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Comments from the community:

Hey g463

Congratulations on all that resisting that you are doing. It's hard work and I applaud you for hanging in there with it.
I'm sorry that you're spending so much time alone when it sounds like you're ready to spend some quality and healthy time with others.

I'm at a similar place myself. I'm acknowledging that I'm ready to open up to friendships, and observing others that come along hoping that those who will be right for me and me for them, that we will recognise each other and put in the work that is necessary to know and be known as people and perhaps become friends.

I like your analogy of using different hats to identify the roles that you play in different situations. It sounds a little like the compartmentalisation that has been suggested to me as a way to not let different truths take away from others and subsequently be free me up to have positive experiences in and around the more trying ones.

For example my mental state has been much better lately but I am suffering a lot with chronic debilitating back pain and now edema in my feet since I got myself out of being in bed where I had spent almost a year with an isolating deep and dark depression.

Being able to have both truths simultaneously is liberating for me. Instead of catasrophising over the physical pain and seeing it in black and white terms I can instead see it as one aspect in my life that is a challenge and one that will improve over time. It is not inteferring with, or affecting other areas in my life that are going well. Because I have choosen to view it in a certain way. My thoughts on this have affected my perceptions and these have affected my emotions and with my emotions regulated I am mindfully and peacefully engaging with myself and stress tolerating in ways I only once dreamed of.

Thanks for sharing your experiences, I took particular note of how you're dealing with SH challenges. I look forward to learning more about you and how life pans out for you.

Cheers, Alchemy

Written by Alchemy, 16. Jun 2008 05:12 AM

G

Good on you for getting out to Borders - it is a great shop - pity ours is in the city - too much for me to cope with.

Great to read no sh. As for ptsd, I think this is something to take up with your psychiatrist/gp and get some answers from them. Have a look at the sane web site as they have great fact sheets on different mental illnesses - that's where I got the info on my illnesses so I could talk to the psychiatrist about them.

Go G!!!

Mrs Studying1

PS Congrats for resisting illicit drugs - can be hard I am sure.

Written by studying1, 16. Jun 2008 08:18 PM

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