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Meltdown day

A page in the diary "surprise surprise"
Written by g463 12. Jun 2008 12:32 AM

Okay, so today I had a bit of a meltdown. I was just so 'over' working in the world of social welfare...so many stories of hardship and abuse, so many kids suffering etc

I got to this place where I just thought 'I can't take this any more'. Over 12 years in mental health, disability and child protection feels like its done my head in completely.

I started wondering whether child protection as a notion actually exists, when government caseworkers knowingly allow abusive situations to occur - when the child is already a ward of the state. Then I began to think of all of the kids and adults who ask for and are entitled to help to get through their stuff...and their stuff then gets shelved because of some more urgent need elsewhere and the inevitable lack of funding.

Then I thought about the things that trigger me - injustice, bullying, whatever...and it's what I live and breathe all day for one reason or another.

So I'm at the point of asking myself if I am of any use whatsoever, or whether working in the social sector is killing me. Is this my own private self-harm/lifestyle of torture? Why on earth do I do this when in all honesty, it feels like shit, day after day?

I do care. I do have some degree of relationship with my clients. I do 'love' every one of them - in the sense that I want the best for them and look forward to seeing them again.

I'm not sure whether I can keep it going. I feel more trapped in obligation than in 'messiah complex' - I don't need to save them, but I do want to make a difference.

I guess that's what keeps me going - that in some small way I can make a difference as an individual, but that as part of a bigger organisation, collectively we can make a huge difference.

As much as I love what I do, I sense it's killing me (or my attitude towards it is killing me). Somehow have to find a pathway to the truth - do I 'retire' and move onto another (easier) career, or do I hold fast to the things I believe in about equality and social justice and press on for the greater good of everyone?

Maybe there's more than one answer to those questions.

Oh, and the other thing is that after 12 months on it, I ditched my Zoloft about 2 weeks ago. It's tempting to think that this could be a side-effect, but then maybe it's just a major reality check and I should be listening to what's going on inside my head too.

Time will tell I suppose.

g463

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Comments from the community:

I was in healthcare, disability and welfare for 10 years.I almost had a breakdown earlier this year, my gp wanted to put me on workers comp (yet I havent discussed my ongoing issues....hmmm) anyway if it gets too hard then you cant do your job to the standard everyone needs. hard but to true :(. Can you afford to take a while off? maybe work casual or doing something a little less stressful? Really at the end of the day as much as you love it and the people, it is a job and you can not let it destroy you. perhaps even changing organisations might help? or positions within your current organisation? I had to leave in the end, I was just too passionate and just beat myself up every night. I'm still involved but in a better position that I think I might love! It was terrifying to start again but perhaps the best move I did. Maybe if you move you could go back later when you feel more in control?

Written by untouchable, 12. Jun 2008 01:02 AM

You sound like a great person to know. I'm sure you do a really good job with your clients, yet they are ultimately ships in the night- but you still care. If I were you I would take 3 months leave, hopefully on sick leave pay or an arranged allowance. I think you need to invest in yourself if you are to give to your clients- by getting really strung out you make your work harder. I know it will be difficult for your colleagues to cope without you, but you REALLY should look after No. 1. You are not looking after yourself if you just ditched the Zoloft- you need good circumstances and a gradual wean off, as I'm sure you tell your clients! You could do some volunteering at a rest home or SRF after a month, but only a half day a week or something. Could you attend a group where blokes air their feelings? Take up a new hobby or a long neglected one. I find photography very therapeutic. Remember, you are entitled as a human being to melt down occasionally and really blow your stack- we have to let the emotional side have its way or we'll go nuts! Hopefully we don't damage others horribly in the process! I'll check back to see how you're going.

Written by Templdust, 12. Jun 2008 01:24 AM

I was told one "The ony way to change a system is to work within it" and I find that helps with some of the powerlessness. Also, there is flame out, and burn out, any Counsellor can help you manage those.
All the best.

Written by maple, 12. Jun 2008 07:46 PM

G

Let you meds kick in and your thinking about your work situation and your ability to do it may change with the meds. It is hard to do a job if you are unwell and if it is necessary, take some time off and have a break and realise you seem to be a good person in the system in that you care about your clients. Not many people like you exist in the system.

Go G!!!

Mrs Studying1

Written by studying1, 14. Jun 2008 05:02 PM

G

It is me who has been away from depnet. But back now so hopefully I will get better/support I need from deppies.

Go G!!!

Mrs Studying1

Written by studying1, 14. Jun 2008 11:25 PM

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