Psychologist appointment
A page in the diary ""
Written by fly 15. May 2008 05:06 PM
Well, feeling very down in the dumps at the moment (least I'm feeling something again I guess). Went to see psychologist and had a good meeting with her. She shook my hand and congratulated me on remaining sober and getting through the party on Saturday night.
I posed the question to her that I was feeling "nothing". I think about my past abuse and feel nothing, that feels odd after 30 years of thinking about it and getting sad or angry or both.
She said that right back at the start 12 months ago when I first started seeing her that our aim was to be able to think about the abuse, acknowledge that it did happen, but to not think or feel anything much else about it. So I guess I've gotten to where I'm supposed to be as far as that issue is concerned. It's kind of snuck up on me, this feeling of peace.
I said I think I'm missing the drama of my previous booze filled days and she agreed, saying that it takes a while to fit into new life, a life much more serene. So it's official... I'm a drama queen missing my drama's! It's just something I'm going to have to get used to. I said I was bored and she came up with a great idea of actually getting my photo album up to date. Since the advent of digital camera's I have not printed one photo of my children. They're all on my computer, so I'm going to go through them all, save the best ones to disk, get them printed out and start making photo albums at night to give me something to do to alleviate the boredom. Sounded like a good idea to me.
Went to AA meeting and told them I partied sober, but that I'd had a struggle the previous week as to whether to have a wine or two at the party, and that after AA last week and meeting with psychologist I found the strength to continue abstaining.
Don't feel very strong at the moment though, I've come home from AA meeting feeling rather depressed at the thought of never having another drink, never being fun drunk. Don't want to go back to the suicidal drunk I was, I just want to go back to those first few that made me feel like superwoman and that no job was too mundane and there was nothing I couldn't do. I miss that.
My husband keeps saying I'm doing a wonderful job, as do you beautiful people here, and my GP, psychologist, people at work, neighbours, but geez, what I wouldn't do for a few drinks right now. I won't, but I'm just going through a tough time of it now - 7 weeks sober in 2 days. I know I'm doing a good job of it, I'm just bored and depressed and feeling sorry for myself at the moment!
Take care,
Karen xxx