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Heart of stone

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Written by fly 13. May 2008 09:05 PM

I think my heart has turned to stone. I was commenting on someone's diary entry earlier, saying that it's different dealing with emotions sober than under the influence when I suddenly realised that I just don't feel anything anymore.

I think about my past abuse and feel absolutely nothing, I think about my abuser and feel absolutely nothing. Is it because I've dealt with it to the point of being done with it? Are you ever really done with something like that? I just worry because before when I was drinking (been sober for 6 weeks now) I used to be able to cry about my lost childhood, I used to get angry (which wasn't always a good thing), and I used to feel love from my children.

Now every day is the same, I get up, get kids ready for school, go to work, pick up kids from school, go through school bags, cook tea, clean up, do load of washing and drink lots of decaf coffee. My life is boring and mundane and I feel nothing.

I've got some small joys from my children, like mother's day, I felt warm inside at their little gifts, but apart from that nothing, nada, zip, zilch.

I fear my heart has turned to stone.

Fly

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Comments from the community:

No. You have removed alcohol which is disinhibiting so where you were over emotional before now you are not.
Will take some getting used to Fly. Keep going.

Written by maple, 13. May 2008 09:19 PM

Oh fear Fly,

What can I say that will make you realise that there is somewhere inside you.Aperson with a huge capacity for love and to be loved. Yes I realise that you can not see it but the mere fact that you are caring so well for your children tells me that there is love in there somewhere.

Thankyou for the comment you left on my diary. it os comments like that that allow me to see that I also still have alot to offer people and so much to give.

I do hope you will not be offended but this but I believe that you are still hurting deep, deep down and at the moment your heart of stone as you call it is really a defence mechanism to shield you from being hurt now and in the future. For you at the moment I beleive this may well be a necesity.

Hopefully in the future you will learn once again to trust some one and you will find some one who geuinely loves you for who you are.

In closing this comment I would just like to say that the people on this site probably understand you much better than you understand your self as all of us are facing, or have faced many of uor pasts and survived the ordeal. for my self I have lived a lie for most of my adult life and it has only beren in the last 18 months that I have learnt to let down many of the barriers we all use to protect ourselfs and let a very few see the uglness with in.

just know that we all care on this site and we all know from our own experience what hell is all about.

Love and support allways

Bassman.

Written by Bassman, 13. May 2008 09:20 PM

Hello,

I think the situation is not as glum as you think. I believe you never 100% deal with issues from addictions or from being abused, but there is a stage where it becomes less shocking.

The feelings are no longer as raw and this is because we have probably analysed it to death. I guess what I'm saying is feeling numb might not mean you are heartless but maybe you feel this way because you are going through a stage of moving on with past situations that no longer exist.

I personally believe your heart is NOT stone but a strong, scarred, pumping, wounded but healing, resiliant, warm, thumping heart!

bluewave
xxoo

Written by bluewave, 13. May 2008 09:38 PM

Hey Fly,

I believe it was my diary you were commenting on about the dealing with emotions sober, and i thank you for your inspiring words. You are one person who really makes me think about my life in depth.

I think we are so similar it is scary, and one day i would love to meet you and just thank you in person for your strength. You don't live very far from me, so i hope one day we can achieve this, we may just be able to help each other through.

I feel the same with my kids, and don't get the "normal" pleasures that most Mother's get, i feel i am a complete failure as a mother. I work part time now, and that is my "time-out" from my kids, that i shouldn't need.

Fly, I so feel for you and wish i could give you the wonderful advice that you give me, but i feel i can't help myself let alone anyone else, no matter how much i want to.

Take care, and one day we will get together, ok.

Luv Nouse

Written by Nouse, 13. May 2008 10:16 PM

Fly

I wonder about not feeling anything... I am numb... do you think the emotions have shut down to give you some space to think... use the rational mind... instead of going head long from one emotion to another...

Alcohol breaks down barriers but are the emotions any more real than the heart of stone...

i am not sure if you feel as if you are on automatic... this is what i would do now... if i had the energy to feel anything i would feel nothing... i am too tired to feel... I do not recognise the emotions... what is angry like when I am sober... what is happy like when i am sober... what is sad like when i am sober... and so it keeps on... trying to recognise the emotions in their new clothes...

i am sorry if this does not make sense...

I get confused easily... and do not know if it makes sense....

take care

rgds
cate

Written by cateblack, 13. May 2008 10:39 PM

Dear Fly

A person with a heart of stone would not have made such loving, caring and supportive comments, as you did on my diary entry.
I really appreciate your care and concern and I feel you are probably still hurting very deeply, but we all numb it out because that's an easier option. I am the master for numbing things out and I have not even begun to deal with my "stuff".

I admire your inner strength, which is clearly reflected in your courage to remain sober and to just keep going! :-)

You bought joy to me today - just for caring Fly.

Wishing you well
Dolly

Written by Deleted_User, 13. May 2008 10:49 PM

Fly

As you know alcohol can help you be part of the group or course misery. From my interpretation, you are still loving and caring, it is just it is the real you and not the alcohol affecting you.

Go Girl!!! 6 weeks sober - great achievement.

Go Fly!!!

Mrs Studying1

Written by studying1, 13. May 2008 11:38 PM

Hey Fly,

is it possible you are depressed? Now I know that is a stupid question if you are here but hear me out.

Depression means our emotions (all of them, happy and sad and inbetween) are depressed, squashed down not available to us.

I think perhaps your alcohol was masking your depression and was giving you the odd "high" as in being able to experience the good bad and indifferent emotions.

Additionally not usre if you are on anti depressions meds but they can like wise cut the peaks and troghs of our emotional waves.

Fly not sure also if you are seeing a counseller but now might be a good time to go back or start, talk about all the things whilst you have a mind that is clear and where it may not be as intense.

You certainly dont appear to have a heart turned to stone, you give me feedback and support and that is very special. If having a heart of stone means you can be generous with your time and thoughts as shown through deonet then i say bring it on!

take care

Liz
XXX

Written by keller, 14. May 2008 06:01 PM

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