Going OK
A page in the diary ""
Written by fly 6. May 2008 08:41 PM
A little bit more about myself... I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder about 2 years ago, which came as a bit of a shock at the time... to be "labelled" with something kind of freaked me out.
But for the last 2 years I've been working really hard on facing up to issues of child sexual abuse by a family member and I've just this minute realised that I'm actually doing OK.
Definitely used alcohol as a crutch over the last 2 years to get me through some very tough times. Sometimes I ended up in the emergency ward after attempts of suicide and I went through a really bad patch of self harm (very difficult going through last summer in long sleeves!!)
I've got a great psychiatrist and a fantastic psychologist, both of whom I get on with extremely well and know they have my best interests at heart. My psychiatrist is great for prescribing medication... Effexor 300mg, Seroquel 100mg, Abilify 10mg, and some valium at the moment to help me through my struggle against alcohol. But another thing I just realised is I forgot to take my valium at 3pm today (which is to settle me before the onset of the dreaded drink o'clock (4pm) and I haven't felt like a drink at all. This is definitely getting easier by the day.
I'm just feeling so positive at the moment. Work is great, especially doing it without a massive hangover, and I'm enjoying my children without having to have an alcholic high to make it work. Just noticed I've been "silly" in a happy way with them yesterday and that's something I haven't done sober for a very long time.
I've lost my ball of anger, which lived in me for 30 years. I haven't seen my abuser in over 1 year, which has been a fantastic decision on my part (because he's family I used to have to see him all the time). I feel guilty that I've ruined any future "family get togethers", but I've come to realised I need to put myself first and man, that's a massive step for me (if you knew me you'd understand). I'm usually very submissive and bend over backwards to make everyone like me. But now I just don't care. People can take me as I am.
A survivor.
Cheers,
Fly xxx