Psychologist appt today
A page in the diary ""
Written by fly 12. Jun 2008 07:31 PM
Hi all,
Thank you so much for your responses to my last couple of diaries, they have helped me so much to see that I shouldn't be so hard on myself.
I'm still feeling pretty shitty, but today I went back and saw my psychologist just to apologise for my drunken phone call - yes an expensive apology and I went with my heart in my mouth worrying that I had damaged our relationship, so it was nerve wracking and filled with anxiety and trepidation.
I was sitting in the waiting room and she just walked out, smiled at me, gave a little giggle and asked me if I wanted a coffee. The ice was immediately broken and I started to relax just a little. Then I followed her down to her room and sat down and I offered my apologies before she said anything and then she just said "what the fuck caused that?" She was straight onto the cause of the problem, which she strongly believed there had to have been. I have been racking my brain all week trying to think of what caused me to slip and couldn't come up with anything other than I was just a bad person but then as we were talking it came out... the thing that had led me back to drinking.
Earlier that day we as a family sat down and watched DVD's of my boys when they were babies. We were back in our beautiful house (I used to drive past it and say I was going to own it one day, way before I even met my husband). It was my oldest son's 1st birthday and our backyard was filled with people. We had 40 adults and 20 children for lunch and I had only just got out of hospital for post natal depression, and I ended back in hospital after the birthday party, so it was probably a bit ambitious of me to go to such great lengths. So it created a feeling of failure, remembering how I didn't cope when he was a baby. Also, our backyard was full of friends and now they're few and far between. Most of "our" friends were/are still friends with my brother (abuse boy) and I felt a feeling of lonliness that I don't see these people anymore, even though it's better for me not to associate with my brother. And the third strike is that we lost my dream home. We just couldn't afford to live there anymore. (We left there about 6 years ago now).
So there's the cause ladies and gentlemen. I'm still feeling depressed and disappointed in myself, but I'm trying hard to feel more positive. God, it was only a week or two ago that I was feeling fantastic. So I'm back on Effexor (cause I was getting off of that pretty quickly and had a weird spacey head on Sunday anyway), so all these things lead to my downfall.
I just feel relievevd that I saw my psychologist today and got that over and done with and that we're still good. It's a little step to feeling better, but it's a step I've taken to help myself.
Oh, and I haven't fallen back into my old ways of drinking everyday. I haven't had another drink since Sunday, so I'm back on the wagon and hoping to stay there this time.
Hope you're all going OK.