A month ago... What I learnt
A page in the diary "poo"
Written by wild_rose 23. Mar 2008 08:11 PM
*** WARNING this entry may contain some graphic references... If sensitive I advise you not to read this entry....
About a month ago as people will know I had to let my 2 last cats go, I consequently changed my username from jessmeow as a result of this...
The events that followed as a result of this I have told anyone...
I had taken my second cat to the pound, she was my baby, I loved her so much, and I WILL NEVER forgot the look in her eyes as I left her there, she had a pained expression in her eyes, she knew I was leaving her... That night I came home and drank a lot vodka... I would say close to a bottle... I got even more depressed, and I then I got suicidal again, and attempted to slash my wrists again. Thankfully the knife was blunt and hardly made a mark, and by the time I had thought to get something sharper, I was incapable of walking and passed out on the couch...
The next morning I went up to visit my mum who lives 4 hours away. I went there for almost a week, that week made me understand myself more than I ever have. It explained a lot of my hatred towards my father and made me realise my hatred towards him is justified...
I was merely hours hold, and he walked in and said to my mother "It's another bitch, I told you I didn't want another bitch, that I wanted a boy" soon after my parents divorced.
When I was around 6 there was a custody battle, most people know of the physical abuse I suffered I wrote about in my other profile, but never did I mention the fact that there was suspected sexual abuse, it makes me feel sick even writing that, my own father, fortunately I can't remember it, but I read though my sisters statements from that period (my mother kept everything in regards to the custody battle, I'm thankful that she did) what I read was disgusting, he never molested us, but the things we were made to watch, well YUCK!!!
Anyway my mother showed me journals which she kept for those few years, and I read them, it explained a lot as to why I have no backbone and let people walk all over me, because my own father threatened me with violence if I voiced my dislike with something... ITS HIS FAULT, It's all his fault I let people walk all over me, because I am so damned petrified of there being 'trouble'.
When I was 8 and my mother had won custody I told him I never wanted to see him again and for years 10 years actually, I hardly heard from him, he came to me when I was 18 and tried to explain it was my mothers fault I didn't see him, because they didn't get along, he also tried to convince me that my mother had turned me against him, i know that is bull shit. For 10 years he never called on my birthdays or anything. And he expected me to forget it ha FAT CHANCE....
My anger is justified, I DO remember the physical abuse, I will never forget it nor will I ever forget the fact my own father never contacted me for 10 years and the fact that even now at 25 he never calls to say that he loves me or just to chat, he expects me to call him... Well I can't I just can't. For the past 17 years I've never really known my father. He was never there.
Anyhow on a lighter note, my last cat, my little kitten, my little boy, he is gone too, but to my mums, until we find another place, then we can have him back. SO thats good he isn't completely gone.
Also I'm settling in at the bfs mum's place well, things are definately different to what I had anticipated, but in a good way. So thats good.
I think I will leave it here, I think I have blabbed enough in this entry, wouldn't surprise me if no-one made it this far