Changes... I had to make
A page in the diary "poo"
Written by wild_rose 18. Jul 2008 05:29 PM
Tomorrow I've been in the new place 2 weeks.
Things are good, slowly unpacking everything, it doesn't help that I'm being lazy, plan on unpacking some more over the weekend.
The monstrous roar in my head has finally silenced itself, and for the first time in years I feel hopeful about the direction my life is taking, I am able to look at my life in a whole new light, instead of looking at all the things I've screwed up in in my, I have been looking at the things I have managed to accomplish since I was 16 despite the bouts of depression I have suffered.
And if I look at the past 18 months, I screwed everything up worse than I ever dreamed possible, yet despite it all I have succeeded and overcome. The past few months I made some drastic changes in my life, despite several warnings about making severe changes, when you severely depressed as it can make things worse. Most of the changes I had no choice in them, they had to occur, some I made by choice because I knew deep down that they were somewhat a contributing factor to feeling as shit as I did.
CHANGES THAT I MADE
- Moving House - not a choice, I was evicted from the flat we lived in, moved into the bf's mums place for 3 months and then got a HOUSE, despite the fact that I screwed out rental record up because I use to find it bloody hard to go to the bank and pay the rent - unfortunately here I learnt a harsh but valuable lesson, TO ASK FOR HELP. My stubborness almost cost me a roof over my head, I can tell you this, I will NEVER make that same mistake again, I don't ever wanna feel like that failure again. As it was I believe that hell hole of a flat contributed to the relapse, I had wanted to leave that dump for 2 and a half years, due to feral neighbours that moved in above, who love to party and have their multitude of kids and vistors wreak havoc on that place and their aggressive natures.
- A new car - not a choice either, my old car pooed itself and well was being a heap of poo, so I bought my mum's car its on gas and has been fantastic, apart from the time when the head shit itself and had to be repaired, but hey a least the fuel consumption is a lot less and I can drive all the way to work god, It's cost like almost $200 a week if I still had the other crap heap, It's less than half that a week now.
- A new job - this was my choice, the job at hotel was not doing me any favours, in all honesty I believe now that, that place was a major contributing factor also, mainly due to the complete and uttter lack of disrespect they show to their employees and their expectations that you do the crap shifts, because they have lives and wont work weekends and that's the only shifts they're willing to give and you need a weekend off or can't come into work when we call straight away we'll make sure you know, your nothing more than a let down... In the time I was there 3 other people suffered mental breakdowns, there was 2 before me, who both left, and they laughed calling them fakers, etc. Then I had mine and returned 'coz I really needed the money, and during time while I was there after returing one more ended up in hospital and was also labelled as a faker, I wonder is that what they labelled me too? either way it makes me think, why so many people in such a short period of time. That place just chews people up and spits them out again like rubbish I'm glad to be free of that place, i really am.
It's only looking up for me now. I'm thankful for all the changes I made. Who know what would have happened if those changes didn't take place.