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I've messed up badly

A page in the diary "I hate myself"
Written by Nouse 22. May 2008 11:44 AM

Well, i did it. It all got just too hard. I couldn't help myself anymore. I got myself completely plastered last night, 33 days down the drown!!

Yes, i felt like crap this morning.

Yes, i know i did the wrong thing.

Yes, i know i have let you all down.

But i don't know if i can stop now, it is too hard right now and this is my only answer.

This is the exact reason that i didn't tell too many people about my sobriety, i was so afraid i would let people down, and look, i was damn right. It is just another step backwards for me, a huge one!!!

I don't know what else to say to you all, except thanks for the support, even though i have probably lost any respect i ever got, if in fact i ever achieved that, which i doubt very much.

I have been going through a pretty tough time lately, a little of which i have indulged on here, but the rest i have kept to myself. Sometimes you feel there is nothing anyone else can do to help.

I so appreciate the help and comments everyone has left on my diary and i know i haven't been in chat very often, but it is because i have been feeling so bad and don't want to bring anyone else down or make anyone feel sorry for me, i can't do that.

I'm sorry everyone, i don't know what else to say, but feel i had to be honest with the people who have supported me for so long.

Nouse

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Comments from the community:

Hey Nouse, I haven't commented on your diary before, but I just wanted to say, Don't give up on yourself. Each day is a new day, take it as a new day and try not to beat up on yourself. You've done great, made 33 days now you know that you can do it. Let go of the feeling that you have let yourself down and get back in there, you can do it, I believe in you. Believe in yourself. Good luck and all the best, From Riles.

Written by riles, 22. May 2008 11:30 PM

Hi Nouse,

Thank you for being honest, it does no good to lie about it, but it took guts to let us know the truth.

Firstly, you went for 33 days, that's a fantastic effort and I can fully appreciate how hard it has been.

As I see it you now have a decision to make. Just because you've slipped once doesn't automatically mean you have to keep doing it, that is your choice.

I too am at a cross roads at the moment, weighing up whether to have that first drink or not. I've had fantastic, supportive and informative comments left on my diary, all of which I have taken into account. Basically at this stage I don't know what I'm going to do this weekend, I'll just have to play it as it happens and see how I feel. I may have made a decision during a low period in my mood, due (my psychologist worked out) to my hormone levels, not the fact that I just crave a drink. So I have some more thinking to do.

It sounds like you're coming down very hard on yourself, when I think you should still be congratulating yourself on the 33 days, not the 1 bad one. That's 33 to 1 mate, a damn good effort.

I know I'm not one to preach at the moment when I'm considering have a drink myself this weekend, but you do have a choice, you can keep trying and not give in just because you had 1 slip. In my trips to AA meetings I'm yet to meet one of them that didn't slip in the early stages, a few times even, but they kept trying and now they have been sober for years.

It happens, it did happen... but you can choose to go back to sobriety.

I'm here for you, whatever decision you make, please don't forget that.

Go easy on yourself.

Love and light,

Karen xxx

Written by fly, 22. May 2008 11:31 PM

Nouse

You made a mistake... I have not lost respect for you... I am expecting you to get plastered quite a few times because you feel so bad...

Alcohol doesn't solve the problem as you know... it is just another problem you have to work on...

Nouse you are harder on yourself than I could ever be.... you didn't disappoint me or any other depnetter more than you disappointed yourself...

But you can always start again... remember the saying if at first you don't succeed try, try, try again... and keep trying until you get where you want to go...

I think I have a lot of respect for you... you take time out when you need to... so you show yourself some compassion... when the world is too much to cope with...

please be gentle with yourself... and it is never too late to try again...

take care

rgds
cate

Written by cateblack, 22. May 2008 11:34 PM

Heya,

I've worked with people with a substance abuse problem for 4 years and I've yet to come across one that has just gone stone cold sober without slipping once (at least). Don't be so hard on yourself because you slipped - you did 33 days! That is a great effort!

Think of it as a benchmark - you did 33 days.. next time try 34 and, if you feel strong, go even longer. It doesn't matter how many slips you have, just as long as you get there in the end.

-- KazzaX

Written by KazzaX, 23. May 2008 04:30 AM

Sumtimes wen Uve been sober 4 a while u 4get th feelings that made u stop drinking in th 1st place-now u remember y.

Did u disappoint me? Well that depends- if Uve been giving it yr all & trying as hard as u can then NO u havent coz all a person can ask

Written by Gyps, 23. May 2008 12:48 PM

is yr best. They CANT ask u 2b perfect.

So NO Im not disappointed, rather damn proud of u!
33 days is awesome hun, u had a setback, doesnt mean its th end of th road... Keep persevering & u'll get there hun
U got guts girl, neva 4get that!
Mmmwa
xxx

Written by Gyps, 23. May 2008 12:52 PM

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