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I don't think I can do it

A page in the diary "I hate myself"
Written by Nouse 31. Mar 2008 03:44 PM

I feel so stupid, i thought i was doing the right thing by leaving the abuse at my last job. Now I am so afraid of applying for any jobs in case i come up against the same thing again. I don't think i could cope with abuse from another boss, I didn't do anything wrong, so why did it happen, why did he do this to me???? I hate having the part of the victim, and am not dealing with it at all well, but cant see how to fight my way out.

I don't regret leaving my job for a minute, as it was the only way out for me, and as much as people say "you will get another job easy", that is not what i think and i don't know which way to turn now that reality has begun to sink in.

I have thought about studying, but then i am afraid that I won't be able to keep up with it and will let my family down again.

I feel completely useless and feel i only have one way out of this mess i am in, despite what people say. I have written a letter to my husband to explain to him how i have been feeling and hope that one day he can forgive me for giving up, or setting him free, as i see it.

Take care all, and thank you for you previous support.

Luv Nouse

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Comments from the community:

Nouse

You need to try applying for another position and give it a go. You can always quit if the situation starts up again. You took the big step to quit and you have to now support yourself and try applying for different jobs until you find the one you like. Remember you can leave if it is not what you want.

Go Nouse!!!

Mrs Studying1

Written by studying1, 31. Mar 2008 04:17 PM

Nouse,

What s this previous support stuff. My support and love are ongoing and dont stop just cause you are going through a rough patch. Sorry girl I'm not made like that.

Nouse, there is no way you will let your family down. Your husband and your kids are your family and they love you unconditionally. Dont give up girl, you have a lot going for you. Just take it easy when it comes to worry about a job. Do a bit of volunteer work to start with until you feel good about yourself again. Offer to help at the school, kids love Mum at school.
I'm here anytime you want to talk, just make contact with LS,DOVE. CHOOKIE,CAROLBEST MAXT, are some who have my phone numbers. Talk to me Hun.

Take care, Lesley xx

Written by lesleyk, 31. Mar 2008 07:30 PM

Nouse

You are trying to run when your legs are broken...

Stop trying to go back to work... start trying to get better... by trying to find one positive thing in your day... each day ... then try 2 things... and keep building... and don't say "I can't see any positive things" because you wrote one in a post to Christine's diary... your husband is so supportive... do you remember ... and i am sure your husband is not going to think you are doing him a favour with your letter...

Nouse be gentle on yourself... have some compassion for yourself... you have been through a major crisis... you are emotionally wounded ... you have an open wound that is raw and bleeding... what would you do if you saw that on your child's leg? ... you would get a bandage and wrap it... take care of your child inside...

I want to make things better for you ... I can't ... only you can do that... and if you remember back... try to remember back... I know you said you can't remember the feelings you used to have... try to reattach to those memories hidden deep by making yourself something special... a nice cup of tea or coffee...

Anyway... I feel angry because I hear my words in your words... and I realise how frustrating it must have been for my psychiatrist and counsellor trying to convince me like I am trying to convince you... so if that is anything for you to hold on to ... that I was once like you and I am now a lot better than I was... so the mood changes.. the negative thoughts will ease... but you need to work at it... no matter how tired and defeated you feel... keep trying Nouse...
I will keep trying too...

Written by cateblack, 31. Mar 2008 09:21 PM

nouse, i cant think straight.

just want you to know i care for you and i love you.

wd

Written by WhiteDove, 1. Apr 2008 08:44 PM

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