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It doesn't do any good

A page in the diary "I hate myself"
Written by Nouse 12. Mar 2008 10:44 AM

For any who read my diary yesterday before the moderators deleted it, i am sorry, but i cant help the way i feel. It is easy for them to say i need urgent help and to call the crisis team, but if you cant see any light at the end of the tunnel (or even the tunnel for that matter), there is no point calling. I don't need someone on the end of the phone telling me to "get with it" or "you need to get out more" and "don't worry what people are saying" because i know all of that, but don't have the strength or the inclination to help myself anymore.
I made an appointment to see my Psychiatrist, that should keep the Mods happy, but can't get in until late on Friday so i will have to see if i make it, no guarantees any more. He will want to put me into hospital and he knows i don't want to go, so he will have a fight on his hands unfortunately he wins when he sends his "Dogs" after me and ends up having me detained, he doesn't play fair!!!

I can't believe i am back to this level again, it is so frustrating. I have felt myself going downhill for quite a while now but thought i could handle it. I have been trying really hard to appear happy in front of Hubby so he doesn't worry any more, he thinks i am coping ok, and before anyone judges him for not seeing the signs, he is away 2 weeks out of 4 and i do my best to hide my feelings when he is home so as not to upset him. I don't want him only to see me when i am upset and crying so i hide all of that until he is gone again, i think i must do a pretty ok job.

I hate being at home, i hate being without a job, i hate feeling useless all the time, but i hate myself the most and i don't want to be here anymore.

Take care all

Luv Nouse

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Comments from the community:

I have been where you are and can never remember what might help, except, don't act on your feelings and I am sorry you are feeling so bad. You know yourself these feelings will lift to a bearable degree, and soon. I hope you have someone apart from your Psychiatrist to talk with, it is hard being truthful when one fears detention. Bottom line Nouse..you do not suicide over a job. You get another job. And you recognise that your work ethic contributes to your emotional state to quite a large degree...which you know is why you left your other job. It was the right thing to do, but others are not always supportive and get the horrors when someone leaves a job...and it is depressing for some being out of work more than others. I have probably had more than 50 jobs, just please get another one, it's truly not as difficult as it seems right now, and this will pass.
Be okay.....

Written by wirralie, 12. Mar 2008 11:27 AM

Hubby's away 2wks outta 4-wot does he do?
Is there sum1-yr mum, sister, aunt, friend, who could stay with u while hubby's away 2 help u out & ease th emotional load? Sumtimes it helps just knowin sum1s truly there 4 u.

Written by Gyps, 12. Mar 2008 12:23 PM

Hello Nouse,
Once again you are being honest about how you really feel, which is the first step at the moment to getting your strength back and dealing with depression. I am so thankfull that I have a 3 day a week job with 'Homecare' helping the elderly, it gives me a feeling of being needed. So sorry you have your hubby home so little, I know the feeling of lonliness too. Is there a chance that your hubby could change his job and spend more time at home with you and your family?
Sending you hugs,
Pat xx

Written by Deleted_User, 12. Mar 2008 07:26 PM

Nouse

Sorry your previous entry was deleted by the moderators. We all go through the stage you are feeling. I hope you get to the psychiatrist and they can help you.

Remember the moderators are here to help and offer support so don't hold that against them.

Go Nouse!!!

Studying1

Written by studying1, 12. Mar 2008 08:09 PM

hey Nouse,

Please don't act on your feelings. You are to special to lose. You probably need to share with your hubby how you are feeling as it will be a big shock to him if suddenly you are in hospital or worse. And he will blame himself. i know it's hard to, cos i'm guilty for not sharing my feelings with my partner at times.

Maybe hospital is the best idea right now, to get you through this dark moment. I know it's not what you want- but will be beneficial in the long run.

Take care, love em

Written by esp, 12. Mar 2008 08:37 PM

sweety,

i know its hard. love, go to hospital. it will help. at least when you are there, you can be yourself and not hide your feelings. this wll also give a chance for your doctor to check ur meds.

please hun, do what you need to.

i am a phone call away

love u sweety

Written by WhiteDove, 12. Mar 2008 09:19 PM

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