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Sorry everyone

A page in the diary "I hate myself"
Written by Nouse 17. Feb 2008 04:54 AM

Looks like the events of the week finally caught up with me yesterday.I couldn't do a thing right and it became too much to bare.
I am really really sorry to everyone on chat last night as i was just unable to talk to anybody without crying bucket loads of tears, for that i apologize.
Mick, you tried really hard to get through to me but to no avail. I am sorry as you are a great friend to me and i still couldn't talk to you. Hopefully that explains how bad i was feeling, because if i could have spilled my guts to you, i would have. I know you were worried and i am so sorry for putting you through that, some days are so much worse than others as you all would know, and yesterday was one of the worst i have had for a while.
So, here i am at 4.30am, sitting alone on my lounge writing in my diary. What a life i lead!!!
I have tried chat, but everyone is in the land of the nod so there is no-one to talk to. I know that is where i should be too but got sick of laying there counting stupid sheep, it doesn't work!!
I will be a basket case tomorrow i know, just for something different, but can't get myself to go back to bed.
Earlier this evening i didn't want to wake up from my next sleep, maybe that is playing on my mind and it is now too scared to sleep. I don't know if i feel any different about that at the moment, i am taking each moment as it comes as just one of those moments may make me feel better or make the decision to end my pain.
I am so sorry if this distresses anybody, but i need to write these things down to get them from going round and round in my head.
Oh well, better not bore everyone with my mindless crap anymore.
Sorry again all.

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Comments from the community:

youll be ok nouse you have survied this far youve doe well

Written by Deleted_User, 17. Feb 2008 09:36 AM

Hi nouse,

I tried so hard last night to comfort you and felt so helpless when i could'nt, i must not have said the right things or you were just too upset to except the support i was trying so hard to give you.

I was so angry with myself last night and felt like a failure as you left so quickly and in the state you were in i was so worried about you, i had very little sleep because of worrying that you may have hurt yourself.

Sounds like you did'nt do anything to hurt yourself thou so i'm very happy about that and althou i had a terrible night over worrying about you, knowing your still here now is all that matters.

Please feel free to chat with me anytime nouse (all of you) and know that everything we chat about is in confidence, i will never tell anyone else anything we chat about...i promise.

I hope to hear from you on depnet sometime today, i look forward to it.... Take care nouse.

mickm

Written by Deleted_User, 17. Feb 2008 12:41 PM

Hey Nouse, Hang in there, facing the way we feel is half the challenge, you have done this and kept on going, good on you, that requires a lot of strength and courage. If you find that your mood is not changing or is becomming lower, please see someone about it. Sorry I don't know that much about the meds you are on or anything, but maybe you need to speak to someone and review these, wishing you strength and courage, take care, From Riles

Written by riles, 17. Feb 2008 01:44 PM

Nouse

I thought about you today... and i am glad to see you posted in the diary... it is good... I know it is so hard for you at this time... and yes we do find a crunch time when the depression seems worse than ever before... and last night was yours... you will have more days like that as you know... but you got through it last night... even counting the damn sheep didn't drive you bonkers... my meds make me sleep most of the time.. so you can envy me... lol... it is a dark place ... and you need to be gentle on yourself... it is hard... my old psychiatrist said have some compassion for yourself... i have found it easier to have compassion for others before myself...

I have only known you a short time... but from your diaries I have found you to be a courageous person... you took a risk with leaving your job... please understand there will be grief over the loss of your job... it is quite significant... the job represents part of you... it is part of your identity and what you do with your time... it is a lot of things to you...and as you said you have people there you really like... and the potential loss of their friendships is devastating... I hope you realise it is more than just a job... and more than just depression... there is grief in this as well... mourn your loss... that is why the crying is good... helps break down the barriers... and there is some physical evidence to show why crying is good too... just don't know it..

anyway good to see you have posted ... come into chat... and talk... we will listen...

rgds
cate

Written by cateblack, 17. Feb 2008 09:13 PM

Nouse

You survived the night in the chat with the help of your friends and that is important to ralise - I survived. Hopefully you will survive this week.

Baby steps if necessary - don't be ashamed if you need to use baby steps.

Go Nouse!!!

Studying1

Written by studying1, 17. Feb 2008 11:43 PM

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