Read diary

Family Sux

A page in the diary "I hate myself"
Written by Nouse 19. Jun 2008 01:45 AM

Hi Everyone,

I haven't written a diary for a while, i have found it a bit upsetting even being on Depnet lately, but i think things have calmed down a bit so i thought i would risk a visit. I know this shouldn't stop me from writing a diary entry or answering diaries, but i have been a bit distressed lately with thing going on here and with my family and thought i would just steer clear of everyone for a while.

My Family has been going through hell since my beautiful Dad died 2 1/2 years ago, and i am very distressed with the whole thing, i am ready to cut all ties with my Mum and 3 of my siblings, and that is a really bad place to be in.

We used to be a really close family, but since Dad died it has all gone pear shaped, to the extent of me just not wanting to talk to some of them for the rest of my life.

My Mum is playing one against the other which makes it very hard to deal with and i have just thrown my hands in the air because i can feel myself going back downhill fast and know where i will end up if i cant stop my head going round in circles all the time. I'm just feeling so damn crazy right now, i can't stop drinking and i'm back to square one again - i hate them for that. I know i should be able to handle this, but in my current state of mind, i can't handle much at all.

I don't know which way to turn right now and thought if i wrote things down in my diary, it may stop my head from spinning - i live in hope.

Why does money change a once really good family circle?
Can anyone tell me the answer to that lifelong question?
And why does one parent favour some above others?

I'm sorry, i shouldn't be asking so many questions, but i just need some answers and don't know where to find them. I'm not sure i could be so callous, but i have almost got to the stage that i could very easily say i will never speak to my Mum and 3 of my siblings ever again, that is how much they have made my life hell.
They dont have any respect for Dad or his wishes, it's as if he never existed. He would be rolling in his grave right now, i feel for him so badly as this is not what he would have wanted to happen to his beloved family. I sit by his headstone a lot and just talk to him and cry a lot. I ask him things that i need answers for, looking for some sort of guidance like he gave me when he was still alive. I just seem to cry.

I have told my psychiatrist what is happening and he is very supportive and tries to come up with ideas for me to try, ways to maybe approach my Mum to come up with a solution to our problems, but it is just too upsetting for me to even contemplate, i cant approach her for fear of further rejection, it is too hard.

Listen to me, anyone would think i was a teenager, i'm 42 years old and i can't cope with my father's death, and you know what, i don't think i ever will. I won't ever get over losing my beautiful Dad, he was the light of my life and that is all i have left to hang on to.

I'm sorry everyone for whingeing, as this is my first diary for a while, i just had to get this crap out of my head.

There is nothing anyone else can do, it's just trying to get through day by day and realising that our once close family has gone to the dogs!!

Hope everyone is well and holding up ok.

Luv Nouse

« Prev page | Next page »

Comments from the community:

Oh Nouse my heart goes out to you.I dont have any answers in dealing with your family.But have you thought about some grief concelloring just for you.When my hubby died my youngest son 20 could not accept the loss of his dad and he tried to s. it hsa taken many months os grief councelling to get him through.My 7 year old grand daughter spend time every Sunday night just talking to her pop, telling him about her week,schooland her life.Try to remember the good things you did with your Dad,take each day as it comes wether you have a drink or not.But please dont think you can do it all on your own, depnet is here and there are groups that can help you through all this. TC am thinking of you grannie

Written by grannie, 19. Jun 2008 02:02 AM

Hey Nouse

I hope writing in your diary has been a release for you of backed up emotions, and in the process you have found it therapeutic.

(((Hugs))) I feel your pain in regards to having lost your beautiful dad and feeling emotionally estranged from your mum and 3 of your siblings.

I lost my cherished mum when I was 15, and simalar to your fathers role in your family, her having been the cog in my families wheel, my nucleur and extended family were lost to me through a series of choices, mishaps, misunderstandings, distance and individual bereavement strategies.

I appreciate the challenges you are facing in relation to handling the new dynamics in your family, for being sensitive to any disharmony here, and elsewhere... and for returning to a substance of self-abuse by ways of coping with the lot of it.

I'm glad you have ventured back here, braved a new day to put yourself out there and trust that you will be met with tender loving care, understanding and acceptance.

There will always be detractors and murky ground to tread through... the trick is to look up from the pull of the underground and receive the sunshine that will always be shining somewhere in the world.

Your question about "why does money change a good family circle" reminds me of the Cyndi Lauper song 'Money Changes Everything'. Not that the songs content is the same as yours, but that the the chorus rings so true to a lot of our experiences.

Music is helping me whilst I work through my issues. I would put a link here to the song and video at youtube but I believe links are not permitted. A quick google should lead you there if you felt you may be benefited by hearing this song, or there is a whole library there of just about every song that has ever been written and perhaps other songs may jump into your mind and speak to you at this time.

Your psyche sounds like he's on the ball in regards to helping you through your grief and family challenges... and as Grannie suggested perhaps spealised bereavement counsellors may have added insights and coping strategies, as may many folks here, whom have gone through or are going through similar stuff.

Whether we're 15 or 42 or any age at all, losing a parent... especially such a cherished one, is going to hurt like hell and turn our worlds upside down.

I applaud your courage and openness... your decision to trust again and reach out. There is nothing whinging about your post so let that thought drop.

I hope to cross paths with you again Nouse... and until then I hope for the sunshine to reach you whenever you need it, and that you can bask in its warmth as well as the all season warmth to be had here amonst your friends.

Nickhy xxx

Written by Alchemy, 19. Jun 2008 03:40 AM

Hey nouse, u told me things weren't good with your family but u never told me how bad it was making you feel.
I have also considered the thought of giving up contact with my family but i know that is something i just could'nt do, it is really just mum and i that have a problem.
You are not whingeing, you are letting us know how things are going and thats what the diaries are for.
Your not back to square one, you have just had a slide backwards, but each time you go forwards you go that little bit further, may not seen it at the time, just remember baby steps.
I'm always here for you if you need me, you know how to contact me, please take care.

(((((((((((((((((((((((nouse)))))))))))))))))))))))

B1

Written by bananas, 19. Jun 2008 07:19 AM

Sad but true. Money changes everything and it's unusual for any family to get through the Will process without problems, unfortunately. I am sure you are being as forgiving as you can. I hope things resolve soon.

Written by maple, 19. Jun 2008 01:13 PM

Hi Nouse

I am sorry you are having such a hard time lately. I can't imagine the pain you feel having lost your Dad - i still have both my parents, although have sort of lost my Dad to dementia, but he is physically still here.

I can only say what I might do in your situation - I would remove myself from this toxic situation in so far as telling my Mum and your siblings that you are only going to talk about the positives that are happenning in your life and your not going to dwell on old hurts or contribute to their games anymore.

Take back control - the only thing you have to worry about is YOU! You are hurting yourself, but it's not your fault or intention to do that. You are not strong enough to handle everyone's "stuff", so please just focus on you and they will come around. Let them deal with their own stuff. Your Dad would not want this for you - he has been gone over two years and would want you to be moving on with your life, being happy and enjoying the legacy he left you.

Take care of you - you still have your Dad with you, watching over you in spirit - Show him how strong and beautiful you are! Rise above this Nouse - you can do it!

Wishing you well
Dolly x

Written by Deleted_User, 19. Jun 2008 01:33 PM

Nouse

Welcome back!!!

Grannies idea of grief counselling for yourself is a good idea. I am sure your psychiatrist will think the same.

As for your family, sounds like mine - dysfunctional. You really need to pull away from them if they are causing you grief. No one understands mental illness better than a psychiatrist/psychologist/counsellor. No family understands it unless one of them - parents - have been through it. My dad understand me whereas Queen Bee doesn't. My sister does have a better understanding because she saw the psychiatrist and had a good chat to him about me - I was happy for her to do that.

If they are toxic and not doing things dad wanted, time to say they are toxic and not helping your healing/health.

Go Nouse!!!

Mrs Studying1

Written by studying1, 19. Jun 2008 08:25 PM

I lost my darling Dad more than 5 years ago. I think of him every day and wish so badly that he was with us still. I am around your age and it doesn't matter if you are 14 or 40 - your Dad will always be the one you look to for reassurance.
I am sorry that your family are behaving the way they are..I do hope things improve for you soon.

MAYA

Written by Maya, 20. Jun 2008 12:04 AM

About depression	Help with depression	Help for relatives	Society	DepNet Community	My Depression