getting things out
A page in the diary "to give my feelings a voice"
Written by northrnbelle 22. Feb 2008 01:16 PM
i have so much running around in my head right now, i hardly know where to start. it's been a crazy week so far at work - two eleven hour days with two days in between where i am rushing frantically to get to appointments - dentist and chiropractor and counsellor. i also got a phone call from my gp's office on the 20th letting me know that i have an appointment with the psychiatrist on the 27th. last time it took about two months to get in... i don't know if there was a cancellation or if my doctor is concerned about my state of mind. if nothing else my counsellor was excited about the psych appointment - she is also of the opinion that my meds are not doing for me what they should, and thinks that the doctor can help to clarify my level of functioning and what is most urgent to work on. she also sees that i lost myself growing up, and still don't have a good sense of who i am, or who i can become - especially in terms of what i need to get well.
another part of my story - i remember being twelve years old when this happened - my stepfather came home, already somewhat drunk, and declared that we were going for a drive. it was quite late at night - i think i had been in bed already. anyway, we got in the car and headed out to the highway. he was still drinking beer, and having me throw the bottles out the passenger window as he finished them. at one point he even made me start a cigarette for him, as he couldn't hold that, the wheel, and the beer at the same time... i thought i was going to be sick-yuck!! we drove for a while out of the city, until he started to get bored and decided to head back in. on the way, two men were hitchhiking by the side of the road, and he decided to pick them up. we were in a fairly small car, with my stepfather and myself in the front seats, and these two men in the back. as we drove in (they wanted to go to one of the downtown bars), the one behind me kept reaching forward to grab my right breast. i would elbow his arm and he would pull back for a moment or two, but then he would reach out for me again. this continued until we got to the bar, then my stepfather parked and the three of them went in together. not long after one of the strangers came back out and started talking to me, asking first if i wanted something to eat. i wasn't sure what might happen, but then my stepfather came out again (i guess he didn't want someone else invading his territory) and made the guy go back in the bar with him. by this time it is well after midnight, and i am by myself in the car. a short time later there is a knock on the window, and a police officer is there. i am instantly terrified and hopeful at the same time. terrified that if i get my stepfather in trouble i will be in deep shit later, and hopeful that someone might actually rescue me. he asked why i was sitting in the car, and i did tell him that my stepfather was in the bar, but not much else. i think i just said something about needing to stay with the car because the doors didn't lock. then, believe it or not, he just left me there!!! a twelve year old girl, late at night, in a car anyone could access, with a driver who would eventually come back after having been drinking, and he still just left me there by myself!!! i was incredibly disappointed that he didn't take me away, and i can't help wondering how my life might have been different if i had received help then. just another example of being let down by someone who should have known better.
if you've managed to read all of this, then thanks for listening.
barbara