a memory
A page in the diary "to give my feelings a voice"
Written by northrnbelle 6. Feb 2008 07:46 AM
i want to share this incident as an illustration of how such little, innocent things can trigger reminders of the past.
i was nine years old, and it was summer. i was just going across the street to play in the park, but at that time i liked to wear dresses, and i had been given a pretty, dark-blue dress and decided to wear it that day.
i came home to get a drink, and discovered that my stepfather was home. first, he asked me to lie down on the couch with him. before long he took me into the bedroom he and my mother shared. i won't go into details about what he did but i'm sure you can figure it out. after a time i said i thought i heard someone coming and he let me leave. he went back to the couch and i was sitting in a chair that was kind of around a corner into the next room. we had a boarder staying with us at the time and i thought maybe he had come home, so i starting trying to tap out SOS in morse code on the wall. i was so desperate for someone to help me, but nothing happened. my stepfather fell asleep and i went back outside. to this day, any time someone uses SOS in conversation, or if i see it on tv, or any other way i am immediately taken back to that day. as i type this i am shaking inside and my heart is racing. and then i get people trying to say that the past is the past. IT IS NEVER THE PAST WHEN IT HAS CHANGED WHO YOU ARE, AND STAYS WITH YOU LIKE THIS!!!
i think what i need most in my life now is someone who can help me feel safe