apology for whinging
A page in the diary ""
Written by hellhole 8. May 2008 11:34 PM
thanks to the few who replied to my last msg. Im sorry if i came across as whinging about something i got myself into. As one of you said i knew the father wouldnt be involved as he walked out in the first few weeks but chose to continue with the pregnancy anyway so its my fault & should suck it up & it & get on with it or give my kids up if i cant. I know all this already. I already have plenty of self doubt on my ability to raise them alone. I hate myself. I have thought about if theyd be better off without me & if i should write myself out of their lives, although my thoughts leant toward something more permanent if u know what i mean.
My kids are important to me & i want the best for them always, id never do anything to harm them. I love them, even though one hasnt taken a breath yet. I wouldnt risk anything for them. All i wanted to do was create a loving happy family for them. Like i never got to have. But as usual i screwed everything up. Twice i tried to create this, twice i failed. Perhaps if i was a better person, better lover, better mother, not so nuts everything would of worked out. But bad things happen to bad people so i only have myself to blame & unfortunately my kids will probably suffer by association.
Im that stupid i actually thought we'd sort things out & be a family again. People kept telling me to wait till the baby arrives things will change when he holds his son for the first time he then wouldnt be able to walk away. But your right i was romancing with myself i guess & need to let it go.
my apologies to those who had to endure my pathetic notions. Its my problem not any of yours. My feelings arent important, my kids are i need to focus on them. Thankyou people for bringing all this to my attention. Once again i stuffed up. I didnt mean to be or sound like such a selfish mother. I wont bother you all with any of this again.