more challenges soon to arrive
A page in the diary ""
Written by hellhole 8. May 2008 12:09 AM
Am about to give birth alone any day now & absolutely terrified. I already have a 3 yr old to take care of. They both have different dads, both are losers that arent interested in them. Sometimes i struggle to look after myself, let alone raising 2 boys by myself...
I dunno how i will be when his born, if il resent him for me losing the man i love, his father or see him in him evertime i look at him. Or if il cry if/when he comes to visit. I cant even decide whether to allow my ex to come to the delivery. His shown no interest except sitting next to me at the dr appts, barely saying a word then going seperate ways. Hasnt helped or supported me at all, nor bought a single thing for the baby. And for those who sont know baby stuff is espensive! I still had some things from my son but a lot i already gave away not expecting another child yet, particulary not expecting to have to deal with it all alone. Ive been off my meds for it will harm the baby & will need to stay off them as well longer if i want to breastfeed him for it will pass through me to him.
Stupid me actually still loves the father. I thought he was a decent nice guy & we were going to be a happy family. Turns out im a lousy judge of character. When it didnt work out that way at first i thought he was just scared of the change & we'd sort it out & get back together before the baby come. But im full term now & still nothing. He not only broke my heart but tore it right out & took my hope, faith & ability to love & trust another man.
I try to shut out the things in my head & focus on my kids but its not always easy. Its a little easeier during the day when theres so much to do, but its the nights after my sons gone to bed, the housework is done & its just you in a quiet empty house all alone with my thoughts, thats when everything kinda sinks...