dunno what im going to do
A page in the diary ""
Written by hellhole 17. Feb 2008 09:58 PM
Try as i may to look at the positives, i have a beautiful boy & soon will have another, & tell myself they have there mum & thats all they need we can make it on our own. The negatives still seem to be the focus on my mind. I think of how much ive screwed up everything in my life, pushed everyone i cared about away, & am afraid il do the same to my boys lives & i dont want that, so my thought goes back to wouldnt they be better off without me.
It my sons birthday in a couple of weeks, he'll be 3. But were not having a big party this year. Not a lot to celebrate at the moment. Im seven months pregnant, exhausted, depressed & alone. I got no friends to invite, neither his father or his dada (my ex who was more of a dad to him) will be there, most of my family dont talk to each other. So im just going to have a little dinner with his fav foods at my mum & dads, the only people we have any contact with atm. How sad is that, my only remote companion is my parents. But theres a lot they dont know & i wont talk to them about they never understand.
I booked into the hospital the other day, stupid me was honest with them when they got to the mental health question (they asked a million questions) & that i think was a big mistake, she then started talking down to me, talking about DOCS & social workers, counselors, directing the questions to my mum & not me. Particularly when i said i was going off my meds soon so it doesnt effect the baby. She looked at me and was talking like as soon i go off i will endanger my son & try to kill him or something. Im not a psychopath & i resent the implication. I hadnt even told my mum i was on meds so that was a surprise to her. She said i shouldve kept me mouth shut when we left or i could lose the kids & id only have myself to blame.
thats about all i have to say at the moment, feel free to comment but please make criticisms constructive.