my day
A page in the diary ""
Written by hellhole 21. Jan 2008 10:20 PM
Apart from nausea, aches, indigestion from the pregnancy im doing ok today. My son & I went out & visited an old friend i havnt seen for a while, she has 2 small boys so bub played with them. And i chated to her. First adult conversation i had in a long time. The only one i have to talk to is my mum, but that just small talk & about my son, thats all she wants to hear. Although talk with this friend is similar to, a lot of people ive had in my life dont know anything about me, the odd time i chose to tell anyone anything it goes very very bad & there not around for much longer. So i learnt to keep my mouth shut & show & tell people what they want, what is more acceptable. Being open & honest, trusting him with some very difficult & delicate issues, cost me the man i love & father of my unborn child, i will never forgive myself for being so stupid. U can count on me to always stuff everything up.
If anyone has any ideas how i could get him back id love to hear it. I know he still has feelings for me in there. My life doesnt seem worth living without him.
I love him so much.
My mum & dad dont know im back on meds. I dont think shed react so well, particularly coz im pregnant. Not sure whether i should tell them or not. Im also worried that if my ex finds out he could use it against me with my son. His always going on that im an incompetent mother, sometimes i feel that way to, but thats due to my state of mind, not my ability to look after & love my boy. Not that he wants anything to do with him anyway, comes over on his birthday & christmas briefly, spends more time criticising me then playing with his son. Never even taken care of him for 1 day. Pays child support, but thats the only parental contribution he has. Like a 2 yr old cares whether his fathers money payed for clothes his wearing or whatever. He doesnt even know him. He thinks his dad is my ex, he pines for him to, always looking for him, waits at the door every arvo for him, kisses his photos, even goes up to cars that looks like his when were out & refuses to go, his waiting for daddy he says. Poor kid has lost 2 dads in his short little life so far. It hurts me seeing him like this. I try to keep as much from him as i can, but his a smart kid, he knows, plays up a lot more since his dad left. My patience with him is shorter then it was & feel guilty about that & not having the energy or excitement with him anymore. Sometimes all i can manage is to put dvds on for him to amuse him & lie down, usually crying. He comes in when his hungry, thirsty, needs a new nappy & i get up & get it then go back to bed. This is why sometimes i think hed be better off without me, that im no good for him. Im doing the best i can, but im not sure thts good enough...