top of the hill & back down hard
A page in the diary ""
Written by hellhole 14. Jan 2008 09:01 PM
Today started off well but didnt last. I passed the test to get my full licence & off my ps. Then picked up my son from my mum & went home. My ex came around a bit later & i was excited to see him since the other day we had a long chat, some unexpected intimacy & thought we were doing great & were getting back together. I am still in love with him immensely & am carrying his child. I was so happy to think things might finally be getting back to where they should be. But today he broke my heart & rejected me again. It was as if the other day didnt even happen. He made it clear he still had feelings for me to, still loved me & missed me. Then today was like i was a stranger, would barely say a word to me, he mowed the lawn for me though. Came in for a minute & talked in riddles that i didnt understand then left leaving while the mother of his child so stressed & crying hysterically so much that i literally made myself sick & saying nothing more then a casual catcha later like i was someone he bumped into in the street.
My day continued like that. Thankfully my 2 yr old son was having a nap at the time so he didnt have to see mummy like that. Although he has many times before unfortunately as ive been struggling to cope for a long time, but sometimes he goes to nan & pops on the really bad days. Been trying to be strong for my kids, but theres not much strength left. Hope that things would get better & that the man i love would return was once again taken away. I dunno what to do now, i cant raise these kids by myself, i struggle with just me a lot. Ive never pined for anyone before, but have never loved anyone as much as i do him either. I want to hate him for walking out on us, but i dont, I love him as much as i ever did. Perhaps the best thing i can do is hold on somehow till my baby is born, then give both my kids to their deadbeat dads, let them have the responsibility of looking after them for once &then do myself in. My whole life has been one problem or heartache after another, i may only be 22 but ive been through more then most people would in ten lifetimes majority of it all bad & i cant take anymore. Every bit of me aches all the time. As soon as i think things might be improving they just get worse. I cant take much more. The pain is too great to bear anymore. Theres only one thing left i can do. Itl make a lot of people please im sure. All i do is cause problems for eveyone. Nobody can stand to be near me for very long, My family hates me but loves my son, i got no friends, no job, no money, nothing but a kid & another on the way, but they dont need a useless wreck for a mother so they might be better off without me.