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day after day, harder each time

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Written by hellhole 10. Jan 2008 10:05 PM

Try as i may to hold things together everything always falls apart. i have no choice but to keep going as i have a 2 yr old & am 5 mths pregnant although many days i feel theyd be better off without me, id only screw them up in the long run as well. I dunno how im going to cope with 2 babies by myself some days i can barelyh look after me. Im currently on Cipramil, an anti depressant for those who dont know, possibly puting my baby at risk, i have to stop taking it in last couple of months to reduce the risk to baby when born. however the dr thought both my kids would be at bigger risk without it. its helping a little, enabling me to function better anyway n attend to my sons needs. all i was able to do was lie around crying like a baby since the love of my life, father of my baby, walked out on me a couple of weeks after i told him i was pregnant.

Although i was already screwed up before that, im just worse now for the pain is so deep, i miss him so much, its like part of me died n im just waiting for the rest to catch up. i guess i burnt him out like many before him. I have borderline personality disorder & either strait depression & anxiety, or bipolar (manic depression) they cant decide which. i havnt been treated for either for a couple of years trying to deal with it myself. But my extremes in moods, constant ups n downs, self destructive behaviour, has lost me every friend, partner, acquaintance i had. I stopped telling people anything for when i did they either got scared or angry & didnt wana know me anymore. or would call the cops & have me admitted. So i stick to myself now, only time i go out if shopping with my mum when she comes in n shes the only one i have to talk to, although she doesnt deal with anything serious, has no clue of much of the happenings in my life n thinks im just lazy n a bad mum n my son is better off with them, likes to criticise evething about me n what i do. So i let him go over there when im in really bad moods plus he likes it there, he loves his poppy especially.

I have no idea how or why im even still here.

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Comments from the community:

Hi There

It sounds like you are really going through a hard time at the moment. I am so sorry that you are feeling so alone.

There are alot of people on depnet who know exactly how you are feeling, so you should stick around and talk to some of us in the chat room.

Also you should talk to your doctor about what is going on, I don't know anything about cypramil, but there are plenty of medications that are completely safe to take while you're pregnant.

Take Care of yourself and welcome to depnet

Bec

Written by Deleted_User, 10. Jan 2008 10:20 PM

Hellhole

Welcome to depnet. You will find many people can relate to what you are going through - we all go through it at different stages.

Go and see your doctor about the cipramil and see if it can be changed for something that is okay for pregnant women - I don't know anything about cipramil but it must be serious if you have to stop it before bubs is born.

Sorry you find yourself in this situation, but you will find many men and women are trying to cope as single parents, or parents who don't get to see their kids often because of their ex's. Sorry you don't have support networks. It is important you have a good gp, psychiatrist, psychologist, counsellor or therapist so make sure you you have one or two or all of them so you can vent when you see them.

Go Hellhole!!!

Studying1

Written by studying1, 10. Jan 2008 11:34 PM

That's a tough situation your in. Being pregnant would be effecting your mood also. That's sweet your son loves his poppy :) great blog. Keep em comin.

Written by Cocksy_86, 11. Jan 2008 01:35 AM

Hi hellhole,

Welcome to Depnet...I dont know how old you are but you sound like a young Mum and I really feel for you sweetheart. You are doing it tough being on your own atm. Glad you have your Mum and Dad to help out though.

I have a five month old son. When I was Pregnant I was taking Lovan 20mgs daily. My Doc said to get off them about 2 months before bubs was born, so I decided to stop taking it. Bubs was fine and born healthy.

I also joined a Postnatal Depression support group thru a Womens health centre and that has been a big Positive in my life. I have formed friendships and all the girls and I still continue to see one another once a week at each others houses for lunch.

Dont know which State your in, but maybe look up in the Phone book for Womens health Centres and get as much help and support you can Darl.

(((((hugs)))))

Written by cherry1, 11. Jan 2008 02:13 AM

Please get some more help from your GP or a good psychiatrist.
You are in so much pain, I can tell from your diary entry, and I am woried about you.
There are three lives at stake here, which I know you already know, push on a little...better things are possible even though you might not think so

Keep safe adn well

Liz

Written by keller, 11. Jan 2008 01:09 PM

I really felt your anguish and despair whilst reading this, and most of those on here will understand you pretty much 100%.

Being a man, I can only imagine how hard it would be to go through this whilst having responsibility for 2 young lives, it's very admirable.

I understand it's hard, especially when those around you disappear and you wonder what sort of great fulfilling life you could have if your were not someone with this illness. But we can only keep trying.

It's frustrating when parents say you're lazy or weak or not making an effort. They don't know how hard it is. I've been mainly on Cipramil since early '03, I'm too afraid to try another because of the withdrawal symptoms and inital issues with taking a new anti-D. Cipramil does calm you somewhat but I feel it makes you emotionless at times and can give you feelings of lethargy and loss of energy/stamina. Also no matter the dose, it doesn't eradicate depressive symptoms, for me at least, those feelings can come and go as they please and play havoc with your lifestyle and relationships.

They say to try different ones so maybe that could be an idea for later on.

Take care.

Written by Deleted_User, 13. Jan 2008 04:05 AM

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