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Written by hellhole 5. Oct 2008 04:08 PM

Perhaps i need to clarify a few things. My kids will never be in any harm from me EVER so theres no need to be concerned about them. It was me Id planned on harming not my boys. They wouldnt be left alone as we are currently living with my parents so theyd be with them & id never do anything in front of them id just kiss them goodbye leave a note & disapear. I hate the fact that ive even thought about this so much! I keep busy i keep quiet i try n focus on there needs but its always there. i wish i could switch my brain off but it never ever stops. I barely sleep, i barely eat, im yelling at my son a lot when he wants to play or gets impatient cause im not paying attention & jumps around & climbs all over me squeeling & carrying on which i hate also. His suffering to his lost 2 dads & his only 3 & is stuck with a mother like me. But i cant do everything i have another baby to look after & housework, and a million other things & thers only oone of me but he doesnt understand that his a toddler.

Secondly im not seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist or mental health worker or a doctor, nor am i taking any medication. I used to but my ex partners hated it so i stopped, & i was pregnant, and my mum wont let me take it or talk to anyone, she says i need to keep my mouth shut nobody wants to hear that crap etc etc etc itd be given me exes the ammo they need to condem me a unfit mum & id lose my kids. Or the drs would report me to DOCS & theyd take them away from me. I dont have any friends anymore & this is the lousy support i get from my mother, so alas im dealing with everything by myself as per usual. Normally i burn other people out they have to deal with me, i have no one so this time im burning myself out. Im doing the best i can but its not good enough & i dont know how much more i can take. This is just the tip of the iceberg of what i have to deal with.

Imagine if someone was to start piling bricks on your shoulders, you can stand the weight & pain for a while, but as the bricks pile up & up eventually your going to fall down. Thats where i am at the moment. Been there before & been able to get back up, but i don know if i have the stregnth to do it again, that wore out long ago i got nothing left. Im so tired & every bit of me aches like hell.

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Comments from the community:

Hellhole,

You have got to want to get help. DOCS isn't going to take your kids away if they know you are getting help.

I know you are finding everything too hard. But you have to take the first step. Screw what your mother says or thinks of you. If you keep this up, not eating, not sleeping, wouldn't it just make things worse for your kids? They need you at your best. And to get there, you need to reach out.

Wd

Written by WhiteDove, 5. Oct 2008 04:39 PM

Hellhole

I am glad to know your boys are safe. The only thing I can add is if you do something, these boys are going to be with your mother and she sounds like my mother - keep this to ourselves/no one needs to know our business and the boys would suffer from this. I'm sure you don't want your boys to go through the same things you went through as a kid/now.

I am sorry you are thinking so much about this. You need to see someone for some help. I'm with WD, stuff your mother. This is about you and your kids. Your gp can start the meds and refer you to a psychiatrist/psychologist. Please think about getting some help as it will help you deal with what you are thinking about and how it will affect your boys.

Go Hellhole!!!

Mrs Studying1

Written by studying1, 5. Oct 2008 05:03 PM

Hi Hellhole

I just wanted to let you know that I too was scared of seeking help as I was afraid that I would have my kids taken from me because I have a mental illness. I was reassured by my GP and then the pysch that I would not have my kids taken from me as I did not represent a danger to them. Five years on, I am still taking meds and feeling a whole lot better than I did. Mind you, if I stop taking my meds I can feel the "bad changes" coming back and know that I have to keep taking my meds to feel better. You obviously care about your boys and would not harm them, so please, please Hellhole, please get some help so you can start to get your life back on track and under control. Regardless of what your mother says, there is no shame in having a mental health problem and there is help out there, you just have to swallow your pride and reach out. I know this can be extremely hard, it took me years to do it, but in the end I knew I had to do something for everyone's sake, especially my own. I don't know what else to say, except look after yourself and I hope you're going to be ok.

Hugs and support
from Shadowdancer xxx

Written by Shadowdancer, 5. Oct 2008 09:35 PM

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