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better off without me

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Written by hellhole 3. Oct 2008 11:01 PM

Your all probably sick of hearing this crap from me & im sorry about that. I got 2 beautiful boys but still struggling to find reasons to keep going. Ive thought about just taking off leaving the kids with mum n dad, they think im doing a lousy job with them anyway & ive thought a lot about leaving completely, that they would be better off without me anyway all ii do is destroy everything. I think i was really bad in a past life so now im being tortured in this one. maybe the next one will be easier. I have good days, bad days & very very bad days. but the last two are more prominent. I'm up & down all the time. No wonder my kids dads turned the way they did im a difficult person, i stuff everything up, i burn people out. My eldest dad reacted to me aggressively, although i probably deserved it. the next one just up & left. Probably couldnt stand the fact that his son would have half of me & could turn out like me, i worry about that myself. My fear causes bad or strange behaviour when i test them for reactions or if theyll stick around which usually causes them to leave anyway. making me even more cautious with the next person n my viscious cycle starts all over again. I push as much as i can to the back of my mind & try to do normal daily stuff but inevitably my mind takes over. The nights are worse & i tend to crash so to speak. Its kinda scary to think im the im the sole carer of 2 little boys knowing what stuff ive done before, the moods i get in, the stuff in my head...
My kids certaibly drew the short end of the straw when they got a mum like me. Maybe i should end their future suffering early n eliminate them having to deal with a screwball like me.

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Comments from the community:

Hi Hellhole

I feel for you and the pain you are suffering at the moment. You obviously care about your kids or else you wouldn't be on here even bothering to try and sort yourself out and they definitely did not draw the short end of the straw. We all go through difficult times, some are just harder than others. I reckon you must be a pretty good, caring mum and your boys definitely would not be better off without you. I know how hard it can be being a single parent and I too have often felt like just walking away from everything. But in reality that would not solve anything, just makes things worse for those loved ones left behind. And it doesn't matter what you did, you did not deserve to be treated aggressively by your eldest child's father. He is obviously the one with the anger problem, not you. Do you have someone you can talk to about these feelings, a close friend, relative, psychologist or even ringing lifeline or some other helpline? Please hang in there and try not to be so hard on yourself. We are always our own worst critic. Take care, I am thinking of you and I hope things improve for you really soon.

Hugs and support from
Shadowdancer xxx

Written by Shadowdancer, 3. Oct 2008 11:41 PM

hellhole please seek some help.

I feel for you and fear for your kids...wherever you go your problems will follow you like your shadow, nothing will be solved by running away. "ending" their suffering is untinkable, get help asap from the professionals, those thoughts are a worring to me.

Please hang in there it will get better, albiet slowly.

be safe, stay strong.

Marie

Written by 1990, 4. Oct 2008 12:25 AM

hellhole i too used to think thats the way but then i relised i was only hurtin the people around me and nothin was solved. the only was to fix this is to get help and u will see the change its takin me awhile to see that in myself its not easy but if i cn do it anyone can. ur kids love u it will get better just try n stay strong an it will pass. plz seek help it will make a difference. stay safe
dee

Written by hunni, 4. Oct 2008 01:02 AM

Hellhole

I am sorry things are not going so well for you at the moment. Go and see your psychiatrist and see if you need a med review. It must be hard for all deppies like you who are single parents. I feel for you all. See if you qualifiy for any government help while you are with your psychiatrist and that may make things easier for you and the boys.

Go Hellhole!!!

Mrs Studying1

Written by studying1, 4. Oct 2008 09:33 AM

Hi hellhole,
I really hope you get thru these bad days without harming yourself. You really need help from someone,your gp,health nurse,friend,neighbour,anyone who can listen and hug you and help you thru this god-awful low you,ve hit.
Please think of your kids,no one can love them as much as you do,your their only mum!
They need you despite what you may think of yourself.Think too that if you did hurt yourself what would happen to them, would anyone know they were alone,would they be in danger without an adult caring for them?The way other people treat you is not a reflection on yourself or an indication of what you deserve.The fathers of your boys sound like they have their own issues to deal with and dont understand how to be supportive or loving to someone they should have deep respect for as the mother of their kids.
I thought having one kids was full-on but now I have 2 under 2 and it is so hard so you need to acknowledge the awesome jobs you do as a mum and if your parents dont think you are doing a good job then maybe they should offer some help instead of just sitting back and judging your efforts.You can only struggle so long on your own and while you may cope like that on the ok days then when the bad days come and you crash you really need the extra support. Dont feel bad for asking for help,please talk to anyone you can and let them know your not ok.I bet you tell us in here what your feeling but dont tell anyone you actually see in person how much pain your in.Am I right? You cant fake it forever,it wont work and it just gets harder to hide what your going thru. Speak out,get help with your beautiful boys.Maybe you need some time out from them.Just a few hours where you can go shopping,go get a coffee and a magazine and sit in a cafe or whatever is near you or something you use to enjoy. Look at the beauty you can see in your boys and know that a big part of that is from you and thanks to you being their mum.You made them rememeber.Next time you think you screwup look at them and say god I did something awesome!

Written by bettermum, 4. Oct 2008 01:46 PM

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