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A page in the diary ""
Written by Mikey 28. Jul 2008 11:59 AM

I am feeling so alone, the tears are flowing down my face, im not at a good place atm.
I push everyone away, i feel i have no friends and no support anymore at all.
Ive looked at getting into social groups, but i seem to be either to young or too old, or the activities just isnt me.
How do you get past the numbness and enjoy things i do, the things i use to enjoy.
As i said in my last diary, i do see posatives in myself, and the attempts that i make at things, but im just not getting the results, the more i try, the more frustrated i get, because im not getting any sence of enjoyment out of things.
I already feel dead, so what is stopping me from ending it. Dont say hope, ive lost that long ago.
Why am i torturing myself.

i am safe

Mikey

UPDATE: UPDATED: UPDATED: UPDATED:

Just to clear things up, i am ok, but very upset, and i guess i should explain whats going on, due to replies made by friends in another persons diary.(yes i realise i do have friends now).
I made a diary entry a week or 2 ago, and i was feeling low, and at that time there was alot of conflict going on in the diaries at the time between other members, which i had no part of, nore wanted any part of. I asked for those members not to make a coment in my diary, as i didnt want any conflic to start in mine, between the parties.
This is where it gets hard to talk/write.
One of the parties did make a coment in my diary saying you dont need to worry about me, im turning the lights off tonight (or something simular)and that night they made an attempt on there life. I felt that guilty that i showed no compassion, all i was thinking was about myself, not wanting the crap going into my own diaries, and i felt i had just giving them that little extra nudge to send them over the edge. Now that person is no longer with us today.
I am not in a good place right now, but i am ok, i am safe, if i find it too much to deal with i promise i will seek help.
I do feel i am somewhat responsable, and i feel guilty to what has happened, everyone has said its not my fault, and i am trying to tell myself that, but it's not easy.

Love

Mikey xxx

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Comments from the community:

Dear Mikey

I know just how you feel - I have felt the same when deep in depression. You feel so lost and like an empty shell - like nobody understands.

I think it is a lot to do with depression, but also our bodies way of saying - look, you need a break, so rest and stay safe until it passes. I know it feels likes it will never end, but it will and there will be better days then.

I can't offer you hope either, but I can offer you my thoughts and know that I am thinking of you and supporting you in spirit.

Wishing you well
Dolly x

Written by Deleted_User, 28. Jul 2008 12:23 PM

I'm your friend mike, i'm always here to support u, i care about u and u better not push me away

((((((((((((((mike)))))))))))))))

B1

Written by bananas, 28. Jul 2008 03:08 PM

Mike

I am here as a friend if you need to talk/email.

Have you spoken to your psychiatrist about this?? It sounds like you need some help and perhaps the psych can help you overcome this loneliness. It is hard when the depression hits and lasts for a long time but if you get some professional help, I am sure you will feel better.

Go Mike!!!

Mrs Studying1

Written by studying1, 28. Jul 2008 04:42 PM

Hi Mikey,
Is it possible for you to take on some volunteer work? I read an ad in our local paper about 10 months ago. It was a seniors register run from our local police station. I do 3 hours per fortnight. There are a lot of lonely elderly people who just love a monthly phone call!
Maybe you could do a course at a local community house.
They have heaps of interesting courses that you could turn into a hobby.
Hope this advice helps you
Take Care
Love
Janene

Written by Janene, 28. Jul 2008 04:58 PM

Mikey.......

You are not alone, even though you feel you are. You have touched so many of us with your kindness and you have so many friends here.We dont and wont let you push us away, we are all a team. A team that helps each other and loves each other too. You know we are here for you so just reach out and connect with us Hun.

Take care,
Love Lesley and Lifesucks xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Written by lesleyk, 28. Jul 2008 05:16 PM

Mikey

Loss of enjoyment is hard... do you remember something you enjoyed doing a long time ago? it is interesting to dissect down what you liked about it then... what you dislike about it now... try to imagine how enjoyment shows itself... do you laugh? do you talk with others easily? do you find yourself intrigued with what is going to happen next? I am sure you can think of some other criteria...

joining groups is fine... volunteer work can help... activities are difficult if there is nothing interesting happening...

well that is my suggestion... I sometimes find these things bring some temporary relief... not all the time...

take care

rgds
cate

Written by cateblack, 28. Jul 2008 07:30 PM

Hi, my name is Sunday and I have just read your update, please dont in any way feel responsible for Matt taking his life. He had a lot of problems and issues, that had nothing to do with this site. Not once did Matt say anything bad about anyone here. I'm very sorry that my post upset you, that wasn't my intention. Take this for what it is and that Matt was a very sick person.

Sunday

Written by Deleted_User, 28. Jul 2008 09:23 PM

Hugs

Written by babz, 29. Jul 2008 12:32 AM

Hi Mikey,

how are you doing now matey? You know its ok to feel terrible. Too often I think we try to make ourselves better, with the thought that when we are happy we will embrace it forever. I would never reccomend embracing misery forever, but there are some times when feeling the hurt anger and sadness is vital to acceptance and recovery. If you need to cry, scream, kick the wall, loose your cool at a telesalesman whatever JUST LET IT HAPPEN. If you want to hurt yourself, or are not feeling better in a few weeks- then go get help.

Written by untouchable, 29. Jul 2008 02:26 AM

Thinking of you Mikey. Peter

Written by surfer, 29. Jul 2008 06:30 PM

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