Read diary

Thursday May 22

A page in the diary "Meandering Thoughts"
Written by cateblack 23. May 2008 12:43 AM

Today I had a session with my counsellor... and we did some experiential work on my identity...

I have to find my journal with some information i had about constructing an identity... i had some great insight into constructing mine... i thought if I said I was a teacher and then took the steps needed to make that true that I would then be a teacher... I would be Cate the teacher... I would know how to act, how to talk, how to do my job, I would have a good income, I would have professional development, I would have job satisfaction, I would be Cate the teacher... that identity did not work ... I studied and failed so I went on to my next identity ... I would be writer ... Cate the writer... I would study creative writing, i would develop characters... and interesting plots... and bang! Cate the writer.... didn't happen... no courses ... no talent...

So we talked about roles like mother... i will never be a mother... i am too old now and no-one loved me... daughter... my mother didn't need me... she accepted me but didn't really need me... she had her friends... but towards the end I think her friends were a bit more absent than she wanted... but they did love her... just too busy... sister... i get the weekly or fortnightly phone call from one mainly to check i haven't suicided or done something stupid to harm myself... and to tell me what she has done... I contribute a bit... my brothers do not contact me unless they want something... or to tell me they are helping me too... they are good... I am not a good sister... i am not a good daughter... employee... i sometimes turn up for work ... sometimes I turn up on time... sometimes I leave early because i am not coping... poor income...

Mental Health Nurse says I have embraced my diagnosis of depression and borderline... it is my identity... i know what to do ... i know what to say... i know who i am ... I am morbidly obese... i know how this body works...

I am told to change... to what... what identity do i create... what do i study... what do i say... what do i do... what do i become...

enough

rgds
cate

« Prev page | Next page »

Comments from the community:

Hey Cate,

You can be my Mother any day, you are loving and kind and a beautiful person.

I am sorry i have let you down, but i am here for you if i can be of any help at all.

Nouse

Written by Nouse, 23. May 2008 03:33 AM

Hi Cate,

I think I can help you with your identity... you are a warm, kind, compassionate person... I know this through your replies to mine and other diary entries.

I "had" borderline personality disorder too... but I think in the last 12 months I've worked really hard with my psychiatrist and psychologist and I honestly believe I'm at the point now where I just don't fit that "label" anymore. So it can be done Cate. Don't let the "label" take away who you are as a person, because you are one of the most loving people with the warmest heart on here at depnet.

My warmest wishes and take care,

Karen xxx

Written by fly, 23. May 2008 10:12 AM

Hi Cate,

I know where you are. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, deep down we know who we are. I have been trying to categorize myself as well but we are more than the sum of the things we do in our everyday lives, or what we look like. So what if you are a manager for example, it doesn't mean that you are a good person, or being a thin person doesn't mean you are fit.

You are honest, kind, considerate, sympathetic and I think you would be a great friend. I think its what you value or your opinions that makes you you.

I'm trying to take little steps to get me going again and trying to jot my opinions /words down that get to the core me. My role model is tigger, a bit dumb like me with a good heart and always happy.

Good luck Cate.

Amanda

Written by amandablue, 23. May 2008 01:00 PM

Cate

I will swap you for Queen Bee as my mother any time!!!

Wow you have many identities and it is good the counsellor is working on them with you. I have been through a number like you - not a mother either - too old but I have been a public servant, daughter, sister, student, friend. Bet you have been all those and many more.

Good luck discovering all your identities.

Go Cate!!!

Mrs Studying1

Written by studying1, 23. May 2008 04:05 PM

How about instead of trying 2b a writes or teacher or whatever, u just b Cate... Is that too hard?

Written by Gyps, 24. May 2008 11:02 PM

Cate

With the friends you and I are referring to, we would go over there on Sunday afternoon and have dinner/dessert and come home. They don't like the fact we leave late as it affects their work routine - can understand that but we can't do anything on saturday as hubby has to sleep for that night's shift. This is hard to work out but we will get there. Thanks for your positive entry.

Go Cate!!!

Mrs Studying1

Written by studying1, 24. May 2008 11:42 PM

About depression	Help with depression	Help for relatives	Society	DepNet Community	My Depression