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You are a very interesting person cate. There is probably some truth in what she says, though she sounds really pedantic. Everyone is resistant to change. I never believed in the word can't before depression..depression means desperately want to but can't in any consistent way so far as I am concerned. There is no shame in your professional network being your social connection since you just can't manage another connection.
Once you have settled think about whether you want her to continue as your Nurse. It is your decision, she at least has laid her cards on the table. The threat of rejection is not very therapeutic though, and a truly skilled practitioner just wouldn't do that without due consideration. Not everyone is suited though to work together.
The other thing you need to consider is whether you can in fact begin to make some changes though you have been unable until now. Every day is a new day cate, and not every day needs to be the same. The future will take care of itself if you take care of today basically...
All the best with your decision, I understand why you would be upset for a day or two, please try not to get too upset though.

Written by maple, 7. May 2008 06:13 PM

Cate

I don't know if your MHN came from Outreach or not but perhaps you should with the help of your psychiatrist try outreach and see how much help they can be for you.

It was wise of her to put her cards on the table and for you to decide if you want her to continue on. That would be a hard decision to make and I think you have done the right thing in emailing the psychiatrist your side of the story - there are always two sides to every story.

Be strong and if you think she will help you, keep using her or try Outreach and they won't lay the cards out quite as hard as the MHN did but they will help you and support you and that is a good thing. I have had them in my house, referred to them by my psychiatrist and they are good to talk to/offer you help. Think about your options and speak to your psychiatrist about your final decision.

Go Cate!!!

Mrs Studying1

Written by studying1, 7. May 2008 07:27 PM

Cate, I'm sorry if this comment sounds harsh - I don't mean to upset you. The way I see it, there is some truth in what the nurse is saying. And I disagree with you - change does not imply that you see an alternative future. Change is inevitable, it simply means that reality isn't fixed but fluid. Perhaps your dep would classify as a psychological barrier towards actively seeking change, I understand how it seems so much easier to just sit in a depressed slump for the rest of your life. Change is never easy, you have to want it, and you have to be prepared to stick with it.

Maybe you are not ready to change at the moment. To make a life change such as the one we have to make when we recover from any type of mental illness you have to reach a point where you are ready. I know what it's like. I spent a lot of time at the point where you are now - just wanting to give up. In the hospital one day after a suicide attempt I realised that I'd had enough, that I wanted to change because not to change was too horrifying. Before that I had my psychologist saying much the same thing to me as your MHN said to you.

So what I'm trying to say is that maybe at the moment you won't change, and that's ok. One day you will be ready to change and work on things, but until you do there is, as your MHN pointed out, very little she can do for you...

Take care and be safe.

Written by babz, 7. May 2008 08:14 PM

Hey hun,

It's hard to change. very hard. But love, as hard as it is, its not impossible. You don't have to always stick to a change. yes one day you can wake up and try to change. and then the next day, you want to give up. and thats ok. because even though you dont stick to it, the very little change you did make will eventually over a long period of time, sum up and walla... a new positive habit.

I hope you understand what I am trying to stay.

Take care

wd

Written by WhiteDove, 7. May 2008 08:40 PM

Babz and Wd are right. Just a tiny change will keep that existing relationship there for you and maybe make a difference to your quality of life.
All the best cate.

Written by maple, 7. May 2008 09:37 PM

I got your reply to my comment. I'm sorry, on rereading it I don't think I got across what I was trying to say.

First let me clarify - I am not for one second trying to insinuate that you like being like this, or that you don't want to change. I think what I was trying to say is that depression is a sneaky bastard that becomes a barrier to you being able to stick with that change. It sort of tricks you into this state of mind where the struggle seems pointless and you just want to give up. That isn't your fault, it is nobody's fault. It just is the way it is.

When my psych tried to explain this to me I had a similar reaction to the one you had to your nurse, and the one you wanted to have towards me. It cut like a knife because it seemed like he was trying to say that I enjoyed being like this or that in some way I found it fun. I screamed at him that I am trying, I am doing everything I can to get better. His reply was along the lines of indicating that at this point in time, because of everything that had happened, that all I could do was keep myself alive, that the ability (and will) to actively change would come later. That is where you are now, you're at the stage of just hanging in there with sheer will power alone.

I think that recovering from mental illness is a good example of an absolute leap of blind faith. The times when everything was ok seem nothing more than distant memories, and the black dog doesn’t allow us to possibly comprehend that anything will ever get better. Taking that leap seems so scary, so dangerous. For me, the only reason I chose to take the leap was because I had nothing to lose. If this last resort treatment doesn’t work, then what have I lost? If I still want to kill myself then I can, it’ll just be a year or so later (sorry, that was really blunt).

Committing to recovery is taking that blind leap, but it takes certain stability within your self to be able to jump, however it’s a catch 22 because that stability won’t just come around if you’re sitting waiting for it. Take a leap – reach out to your MHN. Talk to her about why you are resistant to change, why you feel that you can’t maintain it. She is there to help you, and it doesn’t matter whether she ‘wants’ to see you or not, it is her job. I’ve found that talking about the biggest problem helps to break down the barriers.

I don’t think I’m making sense anymore, sorry :S

Written by babz, 7. May 2008 11:13 PM

Cate

Some info on outreach - it is part of the CBTU unit at the Belmont Hospital. Dr T should know about their come into your home service and help you/talk to you/spend time with you. Dr S knows about it and is going to recommend it for me. I am though going to ask him about the services you get and see if I am able to get them.

Speak to Dr T about Outreach and see if he thinks you qualify for it - if you have done the CBT program or do their day programs, then you should be eligible.

Go Cate!!!

Mrs Studying1

PS Thanks for your wonderful diary entry and the information you included in it - will speak to Dr S about it when I next see him.

Written by studying1, 8. May 2008 10:25 PM