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Where do these thoughts come from? - may trigger... be careful

A page in the diary "Meandering Thoughts"
Written by cateblack 6. May 2008 07:34 PM

I was sitting quite happily at my friend's computer while she was out sorting something out... when all of sudden came the thought 'I can't do this anymore, please let me die' and I was filled with an overwhelming sense of sadness and despair. I started rocking and patting my chest and felt to die now was the right thing to do... if only God would let me die... I am ready to go... I do not want to do this anymore... the feeling stayed with me for a long while... I also had the thought that to fix the mistake I need to die... there is only this way to correct this mistake and it is for me to die... to start over again... but i am not coming back... this is my last incarnation... I feel impatient to be finished with this... I distracted myself from my thoughts... and continued on with the task i was doing...

Then I thought about the dream i had this morning... i was part of a group of tourists in Indonesia being taken to our accommodation when the guide said we each had to pay the guard to pass to the next section of the marketplace... then we had to travel down this alleyway to get to the door of the rooms but we again had to pay some westerners who had been stranded in Indonesia because of lies, thievery, murder and no money a toll to pass... one girl approached me I had a roll of notes in my hand ready to peel off some to give her... and she charged me $50 then demanded another $50 so i gave it to her... to allow me to pass... I get into the rooms and talk to the others in the group and they tell me they only paid $4.07 or $20 or $5... while I paid $100... then they all decided to leave... the money they paid was supposed to protect their belongings from being robbed but as they left me alone I could see shadows and bodies climbing over the walls to get to rob us... and murder me as i was still there... I didn't want to group to leave me but they said everything was safe ... but it was all lies... they couldn't trust the toll gatekeepers... I could not go to sleep because they would attack me if I let my vigil down...

I had to wake myself up I was so terrified ... I tried to reframe the dream but couldn't so I got up, walked around then turned the radio on so I could think of something else...

I often dream... some bad like this ... others just strange... I dreamt about crocodiles trying to eat me... again I had to try all sorts of things to keep myself safe from the crocodiles...

Where do these thoughts come from?

take care
rgds
cate

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Comments from the community:

Hi Cate,

Wow, what a weird dream. Sounds a lot like the path your seem to be travelling along at the moment. I'm sad to hear you say you want to die, but can understand why you feel this way. I often feel the same way, but with 2 small boys I know I'd be ruining their lives forever, so I feel a bit "stuck" sometimes.

My psychologist has told me to remember when things get really black.... "we knew this would happen, we also know this will pass". And she's right, my cycle of suicidal depression usually lasts 5 days and by the 6th I'm feeling pretty OK again. So now I just hang on to the thought that it will pass in a few days.

I have no answer as to why suicidal thoughts just pop into our brains, I know my thought is with me constantly and I have to fight against it. Some days are easier than others.

Please take care of yourself and do what you have to do to nurture yourself at the moment until the darkness passes.

Love,
Fly xxx

Written by fly, 6. May 2008 07:43 PM

Hi Cate,

I find that often I have very weird and/or disturbing dreams when I am taking certain medications. For instance I am on Seroquel for my bipolar, and I have the weirdest, vividest, most random dreams. Usually I just wake up thinking '... what the...' but sometimes they're like your dream and are terrifying. It is a side effect with lots of psych drugs, just something we have to put up with I guess. Also, Mum (she's a pharmacist) told me that because some sleeping tablets stop you from having dream sleep, when you stop taking them your body tries to catch up on all the dream sleep which can create weird dreams - not sure if this is relevant though.

I also have the problems you have with the thoughts. I have borderline personality, and as part of this my emotions are highly unregulated and I am incredibly impulsive. Like you I can be perfectly cheerful and then the next think I know I have myself convinced I have to kill myself/overdose/self harm/etc for absolutely no reason whatsover, or sometimes as a massive over reaction to a minor upset. I think you have bpd too (sorry, my memory is bad!), so this could be an explanation...

I'm not sure I'm making much sense... sorry!
Barbara

Written by babz, 6. May 2008 08:08 PM

Hey Cate,

I am not ready for you to leave yet, I need you here, please don't wish yourself dead.

Have you ever had any of your dreams analyzed, maybe they could help.

I don't know what to say Cate, except that i need you and i don't want you to go yet, it isn't your time.

Luv Nouse

Written by Nouse, 6. May 2008 10:39 PM

Cate

My psychiatrist puts my sleeping and dreams down to the sleeping medications. Talk to your psychiatrist about the dreams and I am sure he will say a similar thing.

I think Babz's mum is right - when we are on sleepers we really don't get good rem sleep and that affects your sleeping patterns/habits. Also is you sleep during the day, it can be hard to sleep at night - know that from my experiences.

Go Cate!!!

Mrs Studying1

Written by studying1, 6. May 2008 11:30 PM

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