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some insight into the agitation...

A page in the diary "Meandering Thoughts"
Written by cateblack 5. Apr 2008 12:17 AM

I had a session today with my counsellor using MIECAT which is an expressive therapy... anyway in my session we were discussing my agitation... now I had spoken to my psychiatrist about the agitation and he felt it was not medication related that it is more psychological... so it was quite revealing to relate my experience of the agitation. The feedback from my counsellor was that during the previous session I demonstrated some agitation then appeared calm and in control and then as I was leaving I mentioned I was agitated. This surprised her as I looked and acted so calm. Today she asked me what my experience was of the agitation. We discussed my experience of the calm but underneath I was very agitated... I hid the agitation... I suppressed it... her feedback was that I used to act out my agitation physically but over time I had learned to present a face, I had learned to distract myself from expressing my anger and instead created agitation. Underneath the calm was a seething anger and sense of violence... that I would act out when younger and slimmer. I told her no one believes me when I tell them I am violent... they see this seemingly calm person, reasonable, rational and do not believe me... but through my life I have educated myself to appear as the person they see on the outside...

Anyway... I would say this agitation is the suppressed violence in me... wanting to be freed.

that is my insight

rgds
cate

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Comments from the community:

Wow Cate.
That is marvellous to discover that..to get beneath your agitation and be able to name it and what it really is.

How do you feel now that this has been revealed?
I hope you feel freer.

Good on you Cate
It sounds like a breakthrough for you.

Keep Well
B

Written by bluefix, 5. Apr 2008 12:44 AM

if your a reader have a look at 'Sacred Journey of a Peaceful Warrior' by Dan Millman. You may have already done so as its relatively well known. I find it very useful n helping me recognize those destructive unconscious thoughts and feelings, or the babble in your mind. I have learned much about my illness and related therapies from more conventional self help books, but this has been a refreshing change as it is a fictional book based on a true story.

Bollo

Written by Bollo, 5. Apr 2008 06:53 AM

hey Cate,

I think if you are anything like a lot of us, you supress things on the outside and let the mainstream public only see what they want to see.
I am a good one for that and let people see and hear what they want to. To me this makes everyone else happy and to me it is easier than asking probing questions about my illness. I am not one for sharing my inner thoughts, or hadn't been until i was able to express them in my diary pages. It has helped me a lot, but still the people closest to me still only see what i let them.

I am so pleased for you that you have found some sort of answer to you agitation, whether the answer is what you wanted or not depends on how you deal with it now i suppose. Not sure that quite makes sense, but....

Well done Cate.

Luv Nouse

Written by Nouse, 5. Apr 2008 12:29 PM

Cate

It is great you and the counsellor were able to get to this outcome. If it is true, you are coming a long way. Keep going with your treatment/road of discovery.

I do though fully agree with Nouse - we put on faces so no one knows how we are really feeling/coping badly and the like. It is much easier to put on a face than admit things are shite/not going well/cop a gobful because we are not pulling ourselves together or coping as we should.

Hope there are more discoveries for you along your journey.

Go Cate!!!

Mrs Studying1

Written by studying1, 5. Apr 2008 06:24 PM

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