thinking over and over...
A page in the diary "Meandering Thoughts"
Written by cateblack 20. Sep 2008 06:59 PM
This is the exercise to focus on the positive... i had lunch with some friends and we discussed how our little group of concerned citizens will focus our energy on educating ppl about caring for our wildlife habitat and general environment... this sounds good in theory... each of them does their bit in their way... they write letters to the editor of the local news and local councillors... i do nothing much... i help one of them with her technology... i send emails and help her print her cards of wildlife photos and whatever else she needs me to do... so it is positive effort vs hopeless task... a little bit...
i fed the stray cat... i haven't fed my cat yet... he hasn't asked... he is on demand feeds... he demands and i feed him... though i patted him... and plucked a few moulting hairs from his coat... lots of knots we have to disentangle... or he gets clipped... maybe i will take him to the vet or i get someone to come here and clip him... i do not know what to do...
i got 2 coffee icebreaks... and a violet crumble bar... now i have to go to the loo... good laxettes...
i have work to go to... even if i do not want to... they are good employers for the most part...
i am getting lazier and lazier ... i seem to have lost my drive... my energy... my desire to create... my desire to change... i go out and all i want to do is get home... i stay home and i am restless but content to be there... i am worried about having to move from my house because of my weight... i know i am supposed to have a choice... and it is my decision but i can't decide... i want to stay where i am but i know physically i can not stay where i am... it is hopeless... and my options are limited... a rented place will have inspections and i will be evicted for being messy... and the rent will keep going up... and i have not enough money to buy a new place ... and supported accommodation ... i can see me living in one room... not going out... going from dining room to bedroom... at midday... to get my meals... with sandwiches for dinner... i prefer to eat my main meal at night... when i want to eat not at the designated time... or miss out... i see a hopeless future... i see a living death... i have few interests... i have few friends... i thank you for your positive comments and support but i do not really feel connected to you most of the time... maybe i do not feel connected to anyone at the moment...
now that is all...
rgds
cate